Closely Held Activist Myths About Female Perpetrators

There are still too many myths about male survivors and female perpetrators in activist circles.

Female perpetrators do not usually use brute strength like in a movie. The woman who raped me used alcohol, a drugged cup of water, and then threats to keep me compliant.

• Why didn’t I fight back?
• First, dissociation. Freeze.
• Then fawn, because of the threats.

A lot of people make assumptions about male survivors and how we experience sexual violence. Many of those assumptions are wrong.
When I was primarily working as an activist from 2008 to 2014, male survivors were often told some version of:

“Go handle your own business.”
“This isn’t the right time.”
“We’re talking about real rape.”

But when male survivors did build our own spaces, participate in media campaigns, and speak publicly, we were then told we were “distracting from the real problem.”

The message was clear: some people did not actually want us to talk about it at all.

In the early to mid-2010s, I served on the board of directors for an organization representing male survivors of sexual assault in the military. We were a little older, with different skill sets, and we combined our experience to gain access, media coverage, and policy attention.

We did exactly what we were told to do: we carried our own water.

Then we were criticized by some of the same people who had told us to go our own way, because we were effective.

When we lobbied Congress, we did not advocate only for male survivors. We advocated for all survivors. We included women’s voices in our meetings. We never forgot our sisters who were assaulted during military service, even when some activists told us to “stay on our side of the street” or referred to male survivors as “the oppressors.”

We chose to lead by example rather than exclusion.

When I sat in meetings with members of Congress like Rep. Niki Tsongas or Mike Turner, or spoke before the Caucus on Prevention of Sexual Assault in the Military as a representative of Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma, I understood the responsibility. We were there because survivors needed better systems, not narrower ones.

• That includes male survivors.
• That includes female survivors.
• That includes survivors harmed by men.
• That includes survivors harmed by women.

That includes every survivor who reaches out for help. They all deserve to be treated with dignity.

I turned those lessons and experiences into a career and transcended the trauma that pushed me into the activist space in the first place. I have been a credentialed professional advocate since 2014, and a SARC and SAPR program manager since 2020. I now run programs — large programs — and I do not tolerate discrimination in services or advocacy.

Not for a single second.

Every survivor deserves respect, dignity, and competent care. I cannot imagine looking myself in the mirror if I believed anything less.