saiseix on Slut Walks, victim blaming:
I have been reading several articles on victim blaming, as per the up-coming local Slut Walk, and am extremely disappointed at the staggering amounts of victim blaming and rape apologizing in the comment sections.
Over and over again I read statements such as “I think a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants… but she still has to use common sense!” and “Don’t get drunk and put yourself in dangerous situations!” While these may seem well meaning, they both imply victim blaming, as we are all taught in society. We are told over and over again what a woman should wear, how she should behave in order to prevent being attacked. How about we spend even an equal amout of time and energy teaching somthting that REALLY should be common sense – DON’T ATTACK SOMEONE.
I abhor victim-blaming in all forms. Blame shifting, excuse making, denial, mockery and minimization are all disgusting practices that are thrown in the faces of rape survivors. Good job on sounding off. The Slutwalks have started a very important conversation that needs to continue and expand in multiple directions.
However, I have to quibble with regard to the comments about male rape survivors.
You said, "I want to know how many people would say a man was asking to be attacked because of the way he looked." That is an interesting, if offensive question, from the perspective an actual male rape survivor. The way a man looks is VERY MUCH a tool of rape denial and minimization used by both men AND women when they meet a male rape survivor. While a man's attire is less likely to be analyzed, his physical fitness, size, aggressive/submissive presence, perceived sexual orientation and masculinity are all weapons to be wielded in their rape denial and mockery.
It happens. It is no less ugly than that which happens to women. That is, of course, when we aren't turned into a punchline again and again and again. Perhaps you didn't know that?
You said, "I wonder how many male rape victims are told they were “asking for it”." A LOT of us are told that. I was drugged, raped and then blackmailed into silence by a female friend of a friend.
I was alone with a woman I didn't know well. I was asking for it.
I didn't say no to the drinks she bought me. I was asking for it.
I didn't fight back with physical violence after the drugs wore off and the blackmail and threats and screaming at me began. I was asking for it.
I had an erection. I was asking for it.
I didn't report it to the police. I was asking for it.
I support the Slutwalks that have been taking place worldwide and I speak out regularly as a survivor and trainer. What I cannot support are minimizations based on the gender of a survivor. It seems to me that you have absolutely no idea what male rape survivors deal with on a regular basis. Let me clue you in – it does not differ as much as you may think. We get mocked. We get treated to rape denial, victim blaming, shaming and all manner of disgusting minimizations. Sound familiar?
Rather than alienating male rape survivors by making it seem like we have it easy compared to women (the vast majority of whom, like men, have NOT been raped), you should re-examine this topic and view us as the allies we have been for many years to our sister survivors – even while being told that we don't deserve access to PUBLICLY funded crisis centres that we help to keep afloat with our own tax money.
We can be strong allies or we can be minimized and alienated. Again. It is time for those who truly care to make a choice.