V, writing for subterfuge, on "He's Asking For It":
This is a confessional about rape. About men raping other men, because the men who are the victims are either gay or perceived to be gay. Contrary to my title, I don’t honestly think men are asking for it. I do not think that men — if rumored to be gay, if he acts effeminate, if he really is gay, etc — deserve to be raped anymore than I think women deserve to be raped.
But, I must confess…when I hear about it…in a way…I feel like it could be a good thing in disguise. And, this makes no sense, I realize. This makes no sense, because it’s ridiculous, shameful thought. It is illogical. Good things do not come out of rape. And, when I hear this, I think of Sharon Angle, who famously told rape victims to make lemonade out of the lemons they were given, rather than get abortions.
As a male survivor of a female rapist (drugged drink) and male rapist (who I successfully fought off) this was extremely difficult to read. While I understand that she acknowledged the shame she feels when she finds herself believing that men being raped is “a good thing in disguise” that doesn’t make it any easier as a rape survivor for me to be sympathetic to her reasoning. I get the point, but it feels differently on this side of the fence.
When I’m waking up in the middle of the night over and over and over due to hypervigilance or bad memories, I definitely don’t feel like what happened was “a good thing in disguise.” When I’m spending money I don’t have on therapy rather than on my child, I don’t feel like it was “a good thing in disguise.” When I can’t figure out if I need to curl into a ball and cry, scream my lungs out or put my fist through the wall, I really don’t feel like it was “a good thing in disguise”. When a woman gets on an elevator alone with me, my skin crawls and I have to center myself in order to avoid a panic attack. I don’t see that as “a good thing in disguise” either.
In an attempt to explain her reasoning, V notes the rise in men reporting and increased coverage of male survivors:
Men now have to stop and think twice. Maybe this isn’t on a large scale yet, maybe it never will be. But, it’s starting. Men now have to worry about the same things women do, even if on a smaller scale yet, and it’s being reported in the media more and more.
Soon, I would not be surprised if men decide it is within even their own best interests if they crack down on rapists, if they treat it as less of a joke and more of a problem that could effect them and their family just as easily as it could effect the prostitute on the street corner, the drunk co-ed at the frat party she shouldn’t be at, the too-flirtatious girl in her boyfriend’s car, the high school cheerleader after school wearing a miniskirt in the 7-11 and parked away from the windows and cameras.
Stop and think twice? You bet. I struggle with trust issues regarding women on a regular basis. I doubt that is the desired effect though. As far as cracking down on rapists goes, the overwhelmingly vast majority of men are NOT rapists. The problem isn't men, it is those individuals who commit rape and those individuals who enable them by either looking the other way, minimizing the experiences of survivors or preventing justice from being served.
I don’t see how my experiences could ever been seen as “a good thing in disguise”. Maybe I'm a little bit pissy today, but this really got under my skin.
Relevant Links:
UPDATE:
The editors of subterfuge have issued an apology and explanation at the following link:
So V is saying that men being raped is shameful, but she confesses to hoping that out of it comes a new awareness among men of the reality of rape trauma? I can see her logic, but I don’t share it, nor do I find the vocabulary of her point very appealing. Then again, she’s making a point that’s difficult to make and not be misunderstood, too. I see what she’s getting at: if men were more *personally* acquainted with rape trauma, perhaps by our own experiences, then it might open up more willingness to address rape itself. Okay, I get that. I won’t bash her for it. But I think the laudable goal she has–getting men to take sexual violence seriously–is coming from the wrong source in her scenario, and I do intend to critique it as well.
Here’s a radical idea: what if men took rape seriously simply because it’s serious? And because it matters to us when ANY person survives it–or doesn’t? The flaw in her scenario starts with the notion that one must BE raped to take rape seriously. Thus, if more men are raped, more men will “get” the issue. I’ve never been raped, nor sexually abused, and yet the importance of this issue is my life’s work. I don’t envision an imaginary “line” that demarcates me from “victims” because I haven’t been “initiated” properly. The next flaw is the assumption that men’s empathy and morality can only be aroused in response to personal losses. I’m aware that “aroused” is a loaded word in this context, so I use it deliberately to demonstrate the fallacy that men’s better selves only emerge, ironically, when there are self-serving rationales for it. For example, X doesn’t matter to men until X hurts me/men. That syllogism makes us men both selfish and gallant at the same time. It doesn’t work.
I think a better paradigm for rape work would be to engender empathy and morality among men simply by appealing to our innate best selves as allies, not to our presumed self-interest in the experience of victimization. Dr. John Foubert (http://www.facebook.com/john.foubert) has found that the BEST way to inspire (again, deliberate word) men to take rape seriously is to approach us NEITHER as potential victims nor perpetrators, but as potential allies to Survivors. Men’s sense of protective strength is nearly universal, and doesn’t only emerge when we ourselves are victimized, all others be damned. So making rape a men’s issue doesn’t happen because men are raped or abused, it happens when Survivors of ALL identities begin to confront men with their needs, so that men become alert to the tragedy of rape, but also alert to our role in the very-possible healing from it. To that end, then, James, you are achieving far more as a role model than as a “public victim.” The latter just doesn’t work; the former *always* does.
Friday, January 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm
I think that inspiration approach is why the men can stop rape campaign is going so well.
That article has many things wrong with it…the presumption that one can only be sexist if your sexism is aimed at women is one of them but, I too, can see the naive logic in the idea.
If the logic were true…all women would be compassionate and protective towards female rape victims because the number of women assaulted would make it a “women’s issue” thing or whatever; but it’s not and they aren’t.
Friday, January 28, 2011 at 3:00 pm