Today is a lazy Sunday with a hot mug of French Roast from Lidl and a slice of apple pie while watching old Law and Order: SVU reruns in the background. I’ve seen most of the episodes over and over and over. People may ask, how can you watch that stuff given what you do for a living? Well, contrary to reality, the show often ends in a conviction or some level of justice for the survivor. It is purely fantasy with regard to how most cases turn out. Sometimes though, you just need to see a win, even if it is fictional.
As I was watching the first 5 minutes of this episode, I found myself breathing more rapidly, heart racing, my brain getting foggy and that familiar hyper-vigilance kicking in. Oh, okay. We doing panic attack shit today. Cool. Cool.
Close your eyes. Deep breath. Another deep breath. Hold it. Slowly exhale. She’s not in the room with you. You’re safe. Exhale again. Come back to the present.
So, I initially disclosed my 1990 rape at the hands of a likely serial, female rapist in 2008. Then, I had to deal with alleged allies within sexual violence activist circles, most of whom are women, who smugly informed me that:
- Women don’t commit sexual violence.
- Men can’t be raped.
- My erection = consent.
- I must have wanted it.
- My failure to fight back was evidence that it was consensual.
- Me accepting drinks from her was a permission slip.
The gender identity of these activists is important as male survivors are actively gaslit about how we are treated by people who absolutely know better. I apologize if anyone is offended. No, actually I don’t. I lived it. I won’t sanitize my own lived experience to protect colluders and apologists who still don’t want to get it. That’s your problem. Fix yourself.
Anyway.
Back to SVU to connect the rest of the dots. The episode I was watching from Season 3, Episode 10, titled “Ridicule”, which originally aired in 2001. I’d seen it before a few times. The basic premise involved the murder of a woman who had been accused of participating in the gang-rape of a man at a bachelorette party. As a result of the murder investigation, the prior rape allegation is brought to the attention of Benson and Stabler. The usual “men can’t be raped by women”, erections = consent, rape is only men jumping out of bushes to attach myths get thrown about by Stabler and the Defense. Benson and ADA Cabot do their best to get him justice.
I was quickly able to get my panic attack stupidity mostly shut down. A little brush of hypervigilance and rapid breathing remained a bit longer, but the panic attack was shut down about 90 percent. That’s a win. No matter how many thousands of hours I’ve spent providing victim care in various roles, no matter how I’ve progressed in my victim services career, and no matter how many people I’ve personally helped I still need to check in with myself and be honest when I’m not 100% okay. Today was just minor and I worked it out well enough because I’m trained and experienced on managing triggers. No, I did not turn the channel. That’s a temporary measure. I dealt with the triggers and moved on with my day. Did I feel some things? Yes. Contrary to the empathy deficits on full display via social media, trauma responses are not something to be ashamed over.
So, I’m sharing this as a reminder that healing and recovering are not chronological, nor is any one approach completely effective or permanent. I’m where I am at today and that is neither positive nor negative. It simply is. Tomorrow I’ll be somewhere else.
See you then. Thanks for listening.