Sneaky Trauma Responses
Responses to sexual assault can manifest in many unexpected ways. Sometimes, you don’t even realize a response has been triggered.
During the rape I experienced in 1990, my brain dissociated as protective measure. I can tell you what my rapist was wearing. She was dressed all in black. Black skirt, black blouse, black Doc Martens, and Goth Girl club attire for the early 90s. I cannot describe her face. I cannot describe her hair. While the rape was happening, I dissociated for most of it. I can recall things she said and I have a general idea of how much time elapsed only because we had to leave the motel room by a certain time to not be charged for an additional night. During the rape, I did not look at her face for more than a quick moment. I can tell you all about the ceiling though.
Guess what has happened many times over the years during sexual contact? Dissociation. Do I just freeze? No. I just went into autopilot and often did not finish myself, simply going until my partner was finished. It happened often enough that I’ve later been reminded about sexual partners I cannot even remember. I sometimes only had vague recollections or was surprised when someone reminded me that we had been intimate. The impacts of trauma are not simply the immediate emotional and physical reactions directly following a sexual assault. The responses can occur repeatedly for years until you recognize the signs and get help.
Please, get help. You deserve it.
