There is a lot of talk about how men need to be aware of the space they take up in public. Some men are unaware or outright act like entitled children. I don't dispute the need for such conversations. SOME men DO need to hear that message. I've had a lot of huge, overstuffed backpacks smack me in the head while seated or been knocked back by some clueless commuter who isn't compensating for the space his big, stupid bag is occupying while hanging in the air behind him.
As an introvert, I am always aware of the real estate I occupy. I am present without being dominant. I don't require anything more to feed my intellect and self-worth. I don't need to control or dominate a situation or location. I don't feel the need to fill a room with noise and posturing. As a male rape survivor of a female predator, I am even more aware of my surroundings. That does not mean I am worried about what will happen. It means that I want to be left alone and not have to deal with unnecessary, ridiculous situations that may be triggering or cause a spike to my PTSD.
I've carried a messenger style bag to work since the early 1990's while still on active duty. It usually contains, pens, note pads, PDA, books, Nook, documents, my lunch or whatever. I don't swing it around like I'm in a sword fight. I don't try to take off people's heads while getting on or off the train. I don't expect it to have it's own seat while others stand. I put it on my lap when traveling and hang it on my shoulder, but swung in front of me so it is not in the way while people pass. I believe it is my responsibility to watch out for others and not their responsibility to jump and duck as we navigate public spaces. Call me crazy, but I think that is how rational, mature human beings should behave in public.
Today on the train ride home, the car was about two thirds full. That was comfortable enough for a ride from DC to Alexandria, Virginia and left plenty of room to breathe and keep a polite distance. I maintained about two feet between the young woman to my front and my own person. Throughout the jostling and turns this was just fine to ensure we both had sufficient space. A few stops later and my new friend Entitled Woman gets on and takes up position behind me. At this station, about the same amount of commuters embarked vs. disembarked. Plenty of room was left in the car and a sufficient number of handholds were available. There was no reason to crowd. This person decided that she needed to get right behind me, pushing and shoving her stupidly large bag in my backside, all the while leaning into me for several stops. Every time we got jostled, she would shove back into me and try to dominate space as if the train were overcrowded during rush hour. Meanwhile, there was space behind her and on her other side. I closed up some of the space between me and the young lady to my front in order get her out of my back. Entitled Woman saw this as an excuse to push in further and continue her attempt at Metro dominance. This went on for several miles and through many stations until a seat opened up and she sat her rude, entitled ass down.
Ugh.
As relevant as conversations about space and public courtesy are for men and boys, it has been my experience far too often that plenty of women need the same teachings. There are simple courtesies that just don't seem to be taught, whether it is something as simple as keeping a polite distance; not expecting that your purse, laptop case or bag deserves it's own seat; or keeping your elbows tucked in and to yourself while riding. I'm not going to even get into how many purses and backpacks I've taken to the side of the head over 20 years of riding the train. While the experience I outlined above was not the end of the world, it is very commonplace in the Metro and can be a problem for those of us who are wired a bit differently. I am completely understanding of crowded, densely packed trains during rush hours and inclement weather. I deal with that through simple acceptance of it being a temporary nuisance that won't last long. That said, acting like an entitled asshat is not anyone's right where another person's bodily sovereignty is concerned. Flipping the genders in such interactions doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Is it really so hard to just respect EVERYONE? Can we please stop pretending this a male only problem? Truly, it isn't.
Keep putting the dots together guys….
Thursday, March 6, 2014 at 8:00 am
From a woman’s point of view, I feel it’s NOT a gender related brain fart…It’s sheer disrespect for people…Period!! “Boss Lady” would have had that sense of space dominance if her mother was standing in front of her….It’s ALL about her, at this point….These MTVish, male & female generated, self-appointed Diva Kings and Queens, are royalty in their own damn mind!! They don’t give a ratz azz about who their street vendor Gucci bags are jabbin’ in the lungs and kidneys…They want you to take note of their right to be in YOUR space!! Almost daring you to “step” to them. Sadly, men & women are behaving like confrontational azz clowns in public, vying to be seen on the next youtube viral video. IMO, military trained civilians see the world differently, from a lot of life long civilians. Some have NEVER ventured outside of their zip code, much less their area code..It’s NOT limited to ONLY females under 50, and it’s NOT a behavior that exclusive to one race…IMO, within a certain genre, it blooms..They are in desperate need of some Attitude Adjustment Basic Training….Send their ungrateful, entitlement starved azz to Boot Camp and make them EARN some damn respect….Maybe they will come back into the real world and know how to give it!! JMO!!
Thursday, March 6, 2014 at 9:10 am
Trackback:
“James Landrith thinks that it’s worth talking about people who believe they are entitled to take up more than their fair amount of space in public. But those people are not all men.”
https://www.facebook.com/thegoodmenproject/posts/10152396161173919
Friday, April 25, 2014 at 11:40 am
The worst for me is suburban supermarkets. Women that will completely block an isle with their shopping carts while they stand on the other side of it for 5 minutes trying to decide what kind of chocolate chips they need.
Friday, April 25, 2014 at 12:05 pm
I just point to their stuff and ask them to move it, so I can sit. No one has ever said no.
Friday, April 25, 2014 at 12:08 pm
Sounds like you live in a very polite area Melanie. I should consider moving!
Sunday, April 27, 2014 at 8:38 pm
I think most people do rude things unconsciously.
Monday, April 28, 2014 at 4:08 am
Thats my experience Cameron. Guys take up space when its available and scrunch up when necessity calls for it (I’m a big guy myself and that’s what I do).
The problem is alot of those “guys take up too much space” photos are zoomed in pics where you can’t even see the area around the guy.
Saturday, April 26, 2014 at 2:11 pm
Indeed Danny. My point in the article was, of course, that common courtesy should be practiced by all genders, not only men toward women.
Sunday, April 27, 2014 at 8:36 pm
Who is talking about this as some common problem? This is a problem for a male rape survivor (she put on a strap on?) who is “wired differently” and not a common issue.
Saturday, April 26, 2014 at 8:32 pm
No Rob, she didn’t use a strap-on – as if that is the only way to rape a man. If you don’t spend a lot of time on crowded commuter trains, then I guess you wouldn’t get it. However, there are FREQUENT calls in feminist publications for men to watch themselves and the amount of space they occupy or how they conduct themselves in public, particularly around women. Perhaps you have missed those public discussions as they took place over the last few years. I decided to shed some light on the reverse and asked that we stop pretending common courtesy is something that only men owe to women in public. I’m glad you live in a place where people are so well-behaved. Perhaps I should consider moving out there instead of living in the DC area. After over 20 years in the DC area, a change might be in order. Can I assume everyone in the Bay area is so well behaved and considerate of others?
Sunday, April 27, 2014 at 8:34 pm
It is sad for his family that Rob is dead. However, he was engaged in being a rape apologist piece of shit and a victim-shamer. So, yeah. No tears from me. Rot in hell Rob.