Alyson Miers on There Is No Right Way For A Victim To Behave :
"People are saying stupid shit about Amanda Berry.
Burnett’s concerned astonishment was charitable compared to what the lowest form of opinion generators – Internet commenters – had to say about Berry’s newly reignited social life. “It’s just odd given the years of abuse she suffered. Normally she would not have that kind of trust or comfort. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t make sense,” wrote one concerned ABC News commenter, while another more bluntly decided, “It seems to me she was enjoying it and is gonna use her ordeal to cash in.” Many were concerned that she appeared with a man who stood behind her and warmly put his arm around her and kissed her neck while she was onstage. Or, as some of the ABC commenters decided, he was a “dirt bag hanging all over her,” who “groped” and “pawed” her. A CBS News commenter more generously decided she looked “pretty hot.” And 645 comments later on NBC, Berry had plenty of well-wishers but also comments about her eyebrow piercing, and how she doesn’t look like “a real victim….lol.” And of course, if you want to plumb the absolute bottom of the barrel, there’s YouTube, where Berry is being accused of “milking everything she’s getting.”
I think it would be interesting (if nauseating) to press these commenters on what exactly they’re implying about her. If she doesn’t look like a “real victim,” does that mean she wanted to be locked up in Ariel Castro’s house for ten years? Do you think she enjoyed what he did to her?
Does she need to justify going outside, looking cute and having a good time, now that she and her daughter are free and reunited with her family? Let’s not forget that Amanda Berry has a small daughter. When moms are happy and healthy, their kids are better off."
I share Alyson's concerns and disgust for these victim-blamers. Why is a survivor expected to wallow in misery and exile for the rest of their lives? For those who are able to go out and get some enjoyment and happiness – DO IT! Sexual violence makes no sense. It leaves devastation, pain and agony in it's wake. Trying to apply static rules to how a person responds to their own traumas is a massive logic failure. If you haven't been through it yourself, what makes you think you can tell those of us who have exactly how we are expected to respond?
I can certainly relate to the backlash that survivors experience online. After speaking out on HuffPostLive, I got thousands of hateful comments. Nearly every major publication who ran my story was besieged with hateful victim-blaming and mockery – both by men AND women. Many claimed that I “must have liked it" and should have “kicked her ass” so that meant I wasn’t raped according to their incredible Because I Said So logic. Really. REALLY. People expected me to beat up a pregnant woman to stop her from raping me after she drugged me and threatened me. This is the level of discourse and emotional maturity that you can expect to find on most rape stories.
I weep for all survivors who go public. You pay for it over and over and over. It isn't enough to be raped. It isn't enough to deal with the memories, flashbacks, body memories, panic attacks, anxiety and general PTSD responses. No, you have to listen to clueless, know-nothing assholes tell you how they would be a better victim. Wow.
People who could never in a million years handle what we've endured are so quick to tell us what we should have done, how they'd have prevented it and why we aren't acting like proper survivors. Thanks for the help pal, but we've got it. We endured the trauma, we'll figure out the healing part without your crucial advice. Try empathy and understanding BEFORE you open your mouth if you really want to engage with survivors.
Really.
Go drag your knuckles somewhere else. We don't need your input nor your approval, but thanks again. You're truly the best!
James Landrith is a healing rape survivor, public speaker, internationally syndicated blogger, civil liberties activist and the notorious editor and publisher of The Multiracial Activist (ISSN: 1552-3446) and The Abolitionist Examiner (ISSN: 1552-2881). Landrith can be reached by email at: james@jameslandrith.com or at his personal website/blog.