Well, today I was treated to some of the worst victim-blaming I've received yet from rape denialists and self-appointed gender police. I'm so tired of this garbage. Why is this okay? Why is this tolerated? Why are so many people still pretending that this shit doesn't happen to male survivors as well? I'm over being nice. I'm over tolerating the excuse-making bystanders and the colluders. I'm over all of it.
THIS is why so many male rape survivors stay silent. THIS is why so many of our lives end prematurely and violently – especially those who deal with MST (Military Sexual Trauma). THIS is why most of us will NEVER tell ANYONE. THIS is why so many of us will never heal. THIS is why it appears that so many male survivors seem absent in the fight against sexual violence. Not only do we have to fight against the same victim-blaming from low IQ knuckle-dragging troglodytes that female survivors deal with regularly, we are also targeted often by women who have decided that men can't be raped and if they are – then they are liars who must be bullied, mocked, harassed and shouted down into shameful silence.
I'm trying not to hate. I'm trying to calm down. It is going to be really difficult. I don't know how successful that will be going forward. People are too damned evil and some of them are just plain worthless. Male survivors, just like our sisters in healing, have a lot of work ahead to fight these types of sick, disgusting, worthless excuses for humanity. For now, I'm just going to have to feel these emotions and try to keep on target. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not shutting up, but I am pissed off and beyond my levels of tolerance for disgusting asshattery right now. Please understand and let me breathe through it. I'm not sure how not to be pissed off right now. I need to accept that.
Thankfully, I have a strong network of female and male survivors to help me through days like this, when it seems like the walls are crushing down on me and the PTSD is spiking up. Thank you to all of you who have reached out. In case I forget to tell you personally, please know that it is appreciated.
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." – Mahatma Gandhi
Ugh, I hate these sex-negative transphobic man-hating second wave RadFem types.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 3:48 PM
Dear James,
I regularly read your blog and have a lot of respect for all the activist work you do. I was particularly disgusted by the recent article the Lesbian mafia wrote and can only imagine how that left you feeling. I’m sorry you have to deal with people like this. However, I can’t help but feel that you are focusing all your energy in the wrong area. I believe your story 100% and think that what you had to endure and the resulting trauma is horrific. With this being said, I think your experience is extremely rare and the incidence of female on adult male rape is well below 1%. Yes I realize that many go unreported but I don’t think it is prevalent enough to be at the top of your list. You are obviously invested in this because of your own experience but I think your efforts would be much more useful in helping victims of male on male rape or even statutory rape of male minors by females, where the incidence is so much higher. I know you have a lot of distrust for females (and rightly so) but it often comes across as though you think all women are evil predators. I’m not sure if you are aware of this but sometimes it makes it dificult as a female to read what you write. I have been a rape victim on more than one occasion however I don’t view all men as predators. In reality most of the abuse that occurs in society is from men against women. As a NYC social worker who works in child welfare, this is what I see on a day to day basis.
I honestly hope I haven’t offended you or made you feel even worse as I do support all your efforts. I don’t expect or require a reply, I just wanted to express my opinion in the hopes that maybe you will think about it. I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Serena
Hello Serena,
Thank you for reading and offering your thoughts. I’ll interject my comments below and answer point by point.
Serena said: “I regularly read your blog and have a lot of respect for all the activist work you do. I was particularly disgusted by the recent article the Lesbian mafia wrote and can only imagine how that left you feeling. I’m sorry you have to deal with people like this.”
Thank you. There are lot of people who think the same as the Lesbian Mafia folks. While things are changing, it is not nearly fast enough.
Serena said: “However, I can’t help but feel that you are focusing all your energy in the wrong area. I believe your story 100% and think that what you had to endure and the resulting trauma is horrific. With this being said, I think your experience is extremely rare and the incidence of female on adult male rape is well below 1%. Yes I realize that many go unreported but I don’t think it is prevalent enough to be at the top of your list.”
Actually, that is a gross minimization of the number of female predators. Multiple studies have placed the numbers higher, even the CDC’s recent 2010 results contradict the “below 1%” assertion. Further, most studies on sexual violence classify rapes differently (or outright excluding many) based both on the gender of the perp and the victim, skewing the numbers before they even start collecting data. References to multiple studies can be found here and are explained in detail on the second link:
Serena said: “You are obviously invested in this because of your own experience but I think your efforts would be much more useful in helping victims of male on male rape or even statutory rape of male minors by females, where the incidence is so much higher.”
I spend a lot of time speaking to rape in general when before college audiences, but female predation is almost uniformly denied in any form and it seems that no one wants to talk about it. I understand that it can make some women uneasy and nervous. They are so used to viewing men as potential predators, it can be hard to understand that their sister, aunt or mother could have been an offender too. I know too many men and women sexually abused or raped by a mother, aunt, sister, best friend, grandmother, etc. who feel completely ignored and harshly silenced by the almost total focus of female = victim, male = predator in narratives on sexual violence.
The topic of male on male rape is used so often solely to derail any focus whatsoever on male survivors back to female survivors with the “who is doing the raping?” argument used as a callous “gotcha.”
A man also tried to rape me. I was able to fight him off before penetration, but he was able to force his penis onto me and make me touch him. I’ve talked about that in public appearances before, but not as much online. I don’t want that experience used to bolster homophobic arguments against homosexual men in uniform. The male Marine who tried to rape me actually was homosexual. I was at his wedding as a witness, where a lesbian Marine (my friend) married him so they could both deflect scrutiny and get off base into an apartment where they could feel safer during the awful Don’t Ask Don’t Tell prosecutions and purges. I’m not putting that into print in any detail. It will be misused and misconstrued to harm others based on sexual orientation. He didn’t try to rape me because of his sexual orientation. He tried to rape me because he was a predator. That won’t matter to the general public. I’ll have no part of that and I don’t trust anyone to deal with it responsibly on my behalf.
Serena said: “I know you have a lot of distrust for females (and rightly so) but it often comes across as though you think all women are evil predators. I’m not sure if you are aware of this but sometimes it makes it dificult as a female to read what you write.”
Then perhaps you can understand how male survivors feel when they read articles focused solely on male predators. It often leaves us feeling targeted, blamed and hated for the actions of other men – especially when the “who is raping whom” argument is thrown in our faces constantly. It is an effective and ugly silencing tool. Further, we are often told it is our responsibility to end other men’s violence against women without even the slightest consideration to our own status as survivors and our needs alongside our sisters. That has to end.
I am extremely careful to use words like “some” when referring to female predators and to also mention that female survivors have similar experiences to those of male survivors. Additionally, I know many female survivors of female predators who feel just as silenced and invalidated as I do and support my increased scrutiny of social denial of such. Every time I speak out, I hear from even more of them who feel like they have no voice and can attest to the hostility they get from advocates who tell them that “women don’t do that.” It is quite ugly and the result is another female survivor who is silenced.
Serena said: “I have been a rape victim on more than one occasion however I don’t view all men as predators. In reality most of the abuse that occurs in society is from men against women. As a NYC social worker who works in child welfare, this is what I see on a day to day basis.”
Given that most men don’t tell for years, often decades, you wouldn’t see it as much dealing with child welfare. It is hidden, denied and shied away from when it concerns males. Many of your peers still believe that erections = consent. I hear from far too many men and women who have been re-wounded through arrogance or incompetence at the hands of those who are there to protect. I also know many wonderful social workers, who get it and are incredible allies to survivors of all genders. Male survivors, like most female survivors, tend not to receive help as children, waiting for years until they are clear of their abusers. What is different about our experiences though, are that we often wait decades longer than female survivors to admit it even to ourselves, let alone reaching out to a social worker or therapist. Further, unless there is anal penetration, our scars are easier to hide than sexual trauma on a female child. The organization 1 in 6 has information regarding the sexual abuse of males that you may find interesting. Their website is at: http://www.1in6.org
Serena said: “I honestly hope I haven’t offended you or made you feel even worse as I do support all your efforts. I don’t expect or require a reply, I just wanted to express my opinion in the hopes that maybe you will think about it. I wish you all the best.”
Thank you for reaching out. I appreciated hearing from you.
That article by The Lesbian Mafia is definitely far from ok, and I’m sorry that they’ve targeted you with their hatred.
Friday, February 15, 2013 7:10 AM