Presentation Before
Albany Medical College
Chapter of American Medical Women’s Association
Interpersonal Violence Awareness Week
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
My name is James Landrith. I am father, husband, son, brother, veteran, internet publisher, syndicated commentary writer, veteran and human resources professional. I am also a rape survivor. For several years, I’ve been part of RAINN’s Speakers’ Bureau as well as involved in the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance’s Survivor Caucus, Speakers Bureau and the Virginia Code Work Group. In addition, I have served as a moderator for Pandora’s Aquarium, one of the largest survivor communities on line as well as serving as a moderator for the Facebook group associated with the healing handbook Resurrection After Rape, authored by Matt Atkinson. Through my publications The Multiracial Activist and The Abolitionist Examiner, I’ve been involved in hundreds of advocacy efforts related to privacy, domestic surveillance, illegal detentions, interracial marriage, multiracial identity and now – sexual violence issues.
As a vocal male survivor, when I’m not talking about sexual violence in writing or before audiences, I’m reading about it in many contexts and sources as well as serving as a secondary survivor for several female and male survivors. A great deal of what I see on a daily basis is directed at men – with the assumption that we know nothing about sexual violence or have no experiences that parallel those of female survivors. Those making such arguments are often NOT sexual violence survivors themselves, nor really interested in serving the needs of survivors.
Encountering such memes can be quite painful when you are a rape survivor yourself. The problem is not that female survivors receive the majority of the attention when sexual violence is discussed. The problem is that when sexual violence is discussed with regard to male survivors, there is often resistance, condescension, and outright mockery by people who quite often have not experienced such violence themselves. For men like me, who have lived through abuse at the hands of women,that can be doubly wounding.
Background
Approximately twenty years ago I met up with a friend at a club in Jacksonville, North Carolina. He wasn’t a good friend – I didn’t know him very well. He was the type of friend you inherit when your mutual friend – my roommate on base – moved away from the area. He came with a female friend that I had never met before. During the night, he disappeared leaving his female friend by herself and without a ride in a city with limited mass transit options. As she was pregnant and without a ride, I agreed to take her home when I left. She had not been out in a while and wanted to stay until the club closed that night. While she was not drinking, she bought me a few thank you drinks for agreeing to drive her home. Even though she was not drinking that night, it did not set off any red flags for me as she was pregnant. I wouldn’t have expected her to be drinking.
After a few drinks, I became tired, disoriented and confused. I never drank until I got drunk, especially when driving and off base. I don’t like the feeling and it just wasn’t secure to do so off base. I just figured I was tired and over did it without realizing. Fortunately, there was a motel next to the club. She suggested we get a room and sleep it off, then I could drive her home in the morning. I agreed as I was rapidly losing the ability to think or see straight.
She got us a room with double beds and we split the cost.
I vaguely remember laying down with my clothes still on. I probably took off my shirt per the norm, but I left my pants on. I did not feel comfortable taking my pants off around this strange woman. She warned me that she did not want to have sex and I remember saying that I was seeing someone and was not at all interested in that either. I laid down on my side of the room and was out almost immediately.
At some point in the night, I awoke to find her on top of me. I said something I cannot remember and she coaxed me back to sleep. I doubt very much that she could even understand what I was saying, given how disoriented I felt at that time.
The next morning, after the sun had risen, I woke again feeling confused and unsure of where I was or what had transpired since getting off work on Friday afternoon. My pants were nowhere to be seen, my underwear also missing and my penis was erect. I realized that she was on top of me, grinding and moaning. I didn’t know what to think. Was I having sex with her? I didn’t want to have sex with her. Who was she again? Where was I? Did I want this? I moved around as my legs were stiff from being in the same position for hours with her on top of me.
She darted her eyes at me and told me not to move. I was ordered “don’t be forceful.” This was not the sweet, shy woman I met the night before. She then insinuated that I was trying to rape her when I could not remain perfectly still and again harshly told me not to move. In addition, I was told that I could hurt the baby if I didn’t remain still. After she finally finished, I was still expected to drive her home. I wasn’t allowed to wash her off of me. I was still under her control.
In short, I was drugged, raped, threatened and had a baby used against me as a human shield. To say that experience left me confused and hurt would be an understatement.
Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. I was under 21, drinking illegally in a club, while on active duty with a local, pregnant civilian. Why didn’t I report it? Does it really require an explanation?
The Reaction
How did I react? I buried it deep and pretended it didn’t happen, which is a common reaction for male survivors. That did not mean that it had no effect on me. I simply pretended it didn’t happen. I called it a bad night and said she was a little twisted.
As one therapist would later tell me, denial of trauma does not mean it isn’t affecting you. She said that if unacknowledged, the effects would “come out sideways” and in a manner that may not be easily identifiable. For me, that was a sudden and ridiculous promiscuity that did not exist before the rape. I began to act out sexually by sleeping with any woman who offered. I turned down no one, to include several much older, married women. I did not seek out sex, I simply said yes every time.
To say that I was reckless then would be accurate. I was risking exposure to disease and potential violence from angry husbands and boyfriends. I did this for about three years before getting married and stuffing the memories down further. As a result, I lost nearly all trust in women – especially aggressive and loud women.
Nearly twenty years later, I decided to confront it. The time had come to do something about it. I sought out assistance and began to see a therapist. I spent a lot of time on me, thinking, analyzing and progressing. It was painful, but necessary work. I’m not done with it. I don’t know that I’ll ever be truly done. I can go for several months without a panic attack or major PTSD outbreak. Other times, I may have several panic attacks for weeks on end, anxiety and outright fear to deal with.
While in therapy, it was as if the bandage had been ripped off suddenly and the wounds were newly raw. I had panic attacks, crying fits, sudden anger and loss of time. I felt exposed all the time, everywhere. I just knew that everyone else knew – and were judging me.
I had trouble being alone with a woman in a confined space like an office or elevator. Some days, I didn’t even want to stand next to a woman in line for a cup of coffee. Given that I work in human resources, the overwhelming majority of my colleagues are female – as are all of the HR assistants I’ve ever had.
As a result, I felt guilty all the time. I still feel guilty quite often. I feel guilty because I often don’t trust women I don’t know. I feel guilty because I sometimes view women, particularly loud and aggressive women, as potential threats to my well-being, personal security and mental health. I feel guilty because for a long time, I couldn’t look at a pregnant woman without seeing that sick woman who raped me so many years ago.
I still struggle with some of these issues today, but not as often and not always in such intensity as before. In recent years, I returned to my prior human resources career. As this field is dominated by women, it has proved a big test for me. She took a lot from me that day. She doesn’t get to take my career too.
The biggest test is sometimes just getting through the day without losing it. Some days pass without issue, other days I just have to give myself a hall pass so I can get on with my life.
Victim Blaming
Since speaking out about my experiences, I have been treated to a variety of victim-blaming and mockery. I’ve been told that erections equal consent, that a man couldn’t “get it up” unless he wanted to and that women don’t “have to rape” to get sex – as if rape were about supply and demand, rather than control and humiliation.
There is a lot of talk about victim-blaming, shaming and denial whenever the topic of rape, sexual assault or sexual abuse is discussed. No gender identification or age demographic is free from the victim-blaming mindset. Quite often, people don’t even realize that they are engaging in such practices. Some human rights activists do it. Some Christians do it. Some Jews do it. Some Muslims do it. Some atheist do it. Some agnostics do it. Some Republicans do it. Some Democrats do it
Some people, in general, do it.
While there is understandably a good deal of discussion surrounding how victim-blaming affects female rape survivors, many people are quick to dismiss the same when it affects male rape survivors. In some cases, well-meaning people will go so far as to co-opt the traumas of one gender to highlight a point about another gender in a very dismissive or minimizing manner. That practice is worn and tired and helps absolutely no one.
Rather than call out specific people and organizations who engage in such insensitive and hurtful practices, I will instead take some time to explore key forms of victim-blaming that are often aimed at male survivors. Please bear in mind that most of these have a parallel form that is directed at female rape survivors. I am not saying that only men deal with these forms of victim-blaming. Not at all. On the contrary, and unlike many who co-opt our experiences for their own purposes, I am saying such vile practices are ALSO directed at men, not SOLELY at men.
Common Themes
Men Can’t Be Raped: This one is used by the densest of the dense without regard to gender. I’ve seen men AND women spout this nugget of wisdom on more than one occasion. Even if we take the most conservative estimates at face value, in the U.S. alone, that leaves nearly 3 MILLION male rape survivors. Given that the DoJ has completely failed to track sexual violence in prisons with anything approaching competency, those numbers are not included or tracked.
Following the media coverage of the Sandusky case, many crisis centers saw more male survivors than they had at any other time in the past. There are more wounded men than we can truly know as the social stigmas to keep silent and “shake it off” are incredibly strong and unfortunately enforced on all sides. Sadly, even men and women are equally at fault for enforcing this form of gender policing that keeps male survivors suffering in silence. We are out there and we need to be helped.
Erections = Consent aka “the wet noodle defense”: Anyone spouting this nonsense clearly failed biology. Erections can be forced quite easily and unexpectedly. Many men can attest to embarrassing incidents that involved the appearance of an unwanted erection. A simple touch can result in involuntary stimulation. While some men may have difficulty maintaining an erection after consuming several alcoholic drinks, this is hardly universal. Further, most healthy men experience erections while asleep and often upon waking up.
Contrary to the science and personal experiences of many male rape survivors, there are plenty of people who simply cannot grasp the concept of an involuntary erection. It is almost understandable that SO MANY women believe this nonsense to the degree that some will outright mock male survivors with this myth. They don’t have penises and as a result, this must all seem so simple. Really, I understand that. However, there are also a large number of men who clearly have no clue how their own bodies work and just LOVE to broadcast that ignorance when they come across stories about male rape survivors. (sigh audibly)
Men are Strong aka He Should Have Fought Back: This one is actually quite common. While it is true that men are not asked what they were wearing, their physical strength and perceived ability to fight back are frequently used to invalidate. There is a ridiculous assumption that all men have the mad martial arts skills of Bruce Lee, tenacity of Charles Bronson in a Death Wish movie, and incredible calm of Clint Eastwood portraying Dirty Harry. Apparently, we are trained in hand to hand combat, weapons mastery, and How To Be Macho from birth. It is quite common for women AND men to freeze during a violent encounter. More often than not, the encounter is over without a single blow placed. Further, predators are skilled at finding ways to either nullify a person’s strengths or use them against their victim. My own rapist was very skilled in this regard. Once the drugs had worn off and I regained some clarity, I could have easily overpowered her physically. However, that was not how she was able to rape me. We didn’t get into a street fight. She used her brain and her body as weapons against me.
A man raped him? He must have wanted it: This form of victim blaming is one part homophobia and one part He Should Have Fought Back. Men can overpower other men and do so regularly in physical altercations or by simply communicating a threat. Weapons are also used, as are threats against loved ones, blackmail and drugs or alcohol. The idea that all men can fight off all other men at all times defies logic and credulity. It is incredibly difficult to take a person seriously if they really believe this nonsense.
Women don’t commit sexual violence: While the stats most often quoted show low numbers of female predation, the reality differs. Quite often the same act committed by a female as by a male is counted separately or not included in official tabulations at all depending on the statistical model. These models, with all of their built-in bias, are then repeated as if they are apples to apples comparisons of male and female predation. As such biases and outright distortions are often used to eliminate female predation from data sets or intentionally isolate such data in lesser or hidden categories with confusing or minimizing labeles, we have no real idea of just how many female predators exist today. For those who believe this myth, perhaps it will be eye-opening to remember that you are listening to a man who was drugged and raped by a woman who had clearly done It before. It wasn’t even a crime when I was raped as women were not included as perpetrators in the statutes of North Carolina. That means that even if I reported it then, it wouldn’t have been counted. Victims of female predators exist and it is time for those truly interested in confronting sexual violence to stop promoting this ugly myth. It serves no purpose other than to collude to keep female predators invisible and protected.
Why did you wait so long to report?: When I first told my story online, I was asked repeatedly why I waited so long to disclose and told breathlessly that it meant I was obviously lying. Those asking such questions, believed it to be some unassailable “gotcha”. When pressed to justify how that invalidated a person’s claims of victimization, they predictably could not defend the concept. Lack of logic and an inability to explain the relevance of their myth seems to matter none to those bent on victim-blaming and rape denial. Many survivors wait decades to confront their traumas as they were not ready at the time, had no support or lacked the ability to confront it. We all heal on our own timeframes. You can’t put a deadline on healing and expect it to occur magically. It will happen when the survivor is ready, regardless of what well-meaning friends and family think.
You must be in it for the money: This ugliness was used against survivors of clergy abuse as well as against some women who named high profile men as their attackers. It was also recently used against the survivors of Jerry Sandusky. Were it not for the hard work of SNAP and other organizations who have kept pushing against predators of the cloth, this type of victim-blaming would still be occurring regularly to male survivors.
As a survivor of drug facilitated rape, I have to live with the consequences of her decisions that night. I regret ever meeting her. I regret agreeing to help her. I regret letting her buy me drinks. You know what I don’t regret? I don’t regret restraining myself and choosing not to use force against a pregnant woman and her child – even in my own defense. I don’t regret not fighting back.
While bruises, cuts and blood can be evidence of sexual assault, they are hardly indicative that a person is lying if they are lacking such indicators. The woman who raped me left me physically unscathed with the exception of some chaffing that quickly healed. The real damage was psychological and hidden. Over the years, I have heard from far too many survivors who were shamed, called liars or treated horribly because a friend, family member or even attending medical personnel questioned their experience because they were not physically injured “enough” – as if there is a specific level necessary to make it “legitimate.”
As future healers, I ask that you not make these mistakes. I ask that you treat the women and men you will meet as not only patients, but traumatized and injured survivors entrusted to your care.
Please remember that bruises and blood are not the only signs of sexual violence and their absence does not mean there was no crime. Many survivors will show their wounds on their bodies, while so many more will have no obvious signs of physical trauma, save those that cannot be seen without a more thorough physical examination.
Do your own research and listen to your patients. Visit your local rape crisis center and listen to our stories. Don’t talk. LISTEN. Survivors say just as much, if not more, by their silences and body language as they do with their words. Please, listen more and talk less. Learn the cues for Rape Trauma Syndrome and PTSD. Take the time to seek the guidance of more experienced healers in how to handle difficult issues that come up. Don’t wing it. Partner with your peers when you are over your head. Believe me, you WILL get in over your head and more than once.
Healing is a process and a journey, not a mile marker. For those of you working with survivors in therapy, create a new approach for each client, and allow them the room to break out of their AND your pre-conceived notions. You may have them for an hour a week – they have to live with this every second of every day for the rest of their lives. Trauma responses differ from survivor to survivor. What worked for your last client may fail miserably for the next one. You can make mistakes with clients – and you will – and they’ll be able to deal with it most of the time, but the one failure that you cannot easily undo is to make the client feel like they are not an equal partner in their healing. A therapist who is too detached or even dominant could make the process feel manipulative and sterile. Poorly designed therapy can be worse than none at all.
As the next generation of healers, you will see thousands upon thousands of patients and clients over the span of your careers. Most survivors will only seek medical treatment once – if at all. If you treat them suspiciously, callously, scold them for what happened, or repeat myths and victim-blaming responses you are only contributing to their wounds and making yourself part of the problem. Unless you are working in a private practice, you will likely forget them within days as the shifts begin to blend together and the names and face begin to blur in your mind, but I promise you, whether you were compassionate and competent, or judgmental and dismissive – that survivor will remember you – and how you treated them for the rest of their lives. How do you want to be remembered?
You have to ask yourself which type of healer you intend to be – the one who does further damage through apathy and arrogance, or the one who truly heals and helps to deliver a wounded soul through one of the most emotionally devastating experiences of their life.
Thank you.