On Healing and Forgiveness (or You Probably Think This Blog Is About You, Don’t You?)

DISCLAIMER:  I am not advocating forgiveness, nor advocating against it.  How you proceed in your life is entirely your choice and not subject to my judgment.  As you read this, please remember that this was MY PERSONAL CHOICE and is not a criticism or endorsement of any particular path for another.  Thank you.

bluewinx15(BACK) / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

This is for her.  She knows who she is and exactly what she did.

I don’t hate you.  I need you to know that.  Really, it is true.  I don’t hate you.  I never really did.

I hate what you did.
I hate how it feels even now – over 20 years later.
I hate that you used your delicate condition as a weapon.

I hate that you asked for help and then used it against me.
I hate that you made it difficult for me to trust women now.
I hate that I feel guilty for feeling anything at all.

I hate that you turned a fetus into a tool to rape another human being.
I hate that something so beautiful was used for something so ugly and twisted.
I hate that I can see more than a new life in other women.
I hate that you made that beautiful thing so ugly.

I hate that you thought you had that right.
I hate that you probably still don’t understand it was wrong.
I hate that so many people don’t understand why.

I don’t hate you.  I thought I did once.  I thought I needed that.  I was sure I needed that.

Please understand this and don’t take it the wrong way.

I forgive you now.
I forgive you for what you did.
I forgive you for what you said.
I forgive you for the assumption that you had the right.

I am not forgiving you for you.  You haven’t earned that.  You don’t deserve that.  I’m giving my forgiveness to you freely even after you took so much.  My forgiveness really isn’t about you.

I forgive you because it is too draining to be angry at you anymore.  I forgive you because I need relief.  I forgive you because I am ready.

Please do not be deceived, I am by no means “over it”, but I am as always trying to transcend it.  The last few months have been extremely difficult.  Jerry Sandusky.  Clergy coverups.  Military Sexual Trauma.  Hearings.  Court battles.  Juries.  Riots over fucking football.  There are reminders everywhere.

I am doing this because I need it.  I will live with the aftereffects of your choices for the rest of my life.  However, I choose from this point forward to live without you.

You are forgiven.  Now please – just go away.

About James A. Landrith

James Landrith is a healing rape survivor, public speaker on sexual violence and civil liberties, internationally syndicated blogger, civil liberties activist and the notorious editor and publisher of The Multiracial Activist (ISSN: 1552-3446) and The Abolitionist Examiner (ISSN: 1552-2881). Landrith can be reached by email at: james@jameslandrith.com or at his personal website/blog.