Victim-Blaming from the Male Survivor Perspective

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Victim-Blaming from the Male Survivor Perspective

Also published at The Good Men Project as Male Rape Survivors and Victim-Blaming

http://goodmenproject.com/on-rape-and-sexual-violence/male-rape-survivors-and-victim-blaming/

There is a lot of talk about victim-blaming, shaming and denial whenever the topic of rape, sexual assault or sexual abuse is discussed.  No gender identification or age demographic is free from this mindset.  Quite often, people don’t even realize that they are engaging in such practices.  Some MRAs do it.  Some feminists do it.  Some human rights activists do it.  Some Christians do it.  Some Jews do it.  Some Muslims do it.  Some athiests do it.  Some agnostics do it.  Some Republicans do it.  Some Democrats do it.  Some Libertarians do it.

Some people, in general, do it.

While there is understandably a good deal of discussion surrounding how victim-blaming affects female rape survivors, many people are quick to dismiss the same when it affects male rape survivors.  In some cases, well-meaning people will go so far as to co-opt the traumas of one gender to highlight a point about another gender in a very dismissive or minimizing manner.  Periodically, a blogger will post a commentary that runs something to the effect of “see, when it happens to teh menz, it is always taken seriously, but never when it happens to women.”  While I understand such pieces are meant to highlight the horrible nature of victim-blaming toward female rape survivors, the end result is that they have used a traumatic experience from one rape survivor to make the case that other rape survivors have it worse based solely on gender.

Rather than call out specific people who engage in such insensitive and hurtful practices, I will instead take some time to explore some key forms of victim-blaming that are often aimed at men.  Please bear in mind that most of these have a parallel form that is directed at female rape survivors.  I am not saying that only men deal with these forms of victim-blaming.  Not at all.  On the contrary, and unlike many who co-opt our experiences to make the false claim that only women suffer victim-blaming, I am saying such vile practices are ALSO directed at men, not SOLELY at men.

Victim-Blaming

Men Can’t Be Raped:  This one is used by the densest of the dense without regard to gender.  I’ve seen men AND women spout this nugget of wisdom on more than one occasion.  Even if we take the most conservative estimates at face value, in the U.S. alone, that leaves nearly 3 MILLION male rape survivors.

Erections = Consent aka can’t rape a wet noodle:  Anyone spouting this nonsense clearly failed biology.  Erections can be forced quite easily and unexpectedly.  Many men can attest to embarrassing incidents that involved the appearance of an unwanted erection.  A simple touch can result in involuntary stimulation.  While some men may have difficulty maintaining an erection after consuming several alcoholic drinks, this is hardly universal.  Further, most healthy men experience erections while asleep and often upon waking up.

Contrary to the science and personal experiences of many male rape survivors, there are plenty of people who simply cannot grasp the concept of an involuntary erection.  It is almost understandable that SO MANY women believe this nonsense to the degree that some will outright mock male survivors with this myth.  They don’t have penises and as a result, this must all seem so simple in their heads.  Really, I understand that.  However, there are also a large number of morons who have no clue how their own penises work and just LOVE to broadcast that ignorance when they come across stories about male rape survivors. (sigh)

Men are Strong aka He Should Have Fought Back:  This one is actually quite common.  While men are not asked what they were wearing, their physical strength and perceived ability to fight back are frequently used to invalidate.  There is a ridiculous assumption that all men have the mad martial arts skills of Bruce Lee, tenacity of Charles Bronson in a Death Wish movie, and incredible calm of Clint Eastwood portraying Dirty Harry.  Apparently, we are trained in hand to hand combat, weapons mastery, and How To Be Macho from birth.  It is quite common for women AND men to freeze during a violent encounter.  Quite often, the encounter is over without a single blow placed.  Further, predators are skilled at finding ways to either nullify a person’s strengths or use them against their victim.  My own rapist was very skilled in this regard.

A man raped him?  He must have wanted it:  This form of victim blaming is one part homophobia and one part He Should Have Fought Back.  Men can overpower other men and do so regularly in physical altercations or by simply communicating a threat.  Weapons are also used, as are threats against loved ones, blackmail and drugs or alcohol.  The idea that all men can fight off all other men at all times defies logic and credulity.  It is incredibly difficult to take a person seriously if they really believe this specious nonsense.

Women don’t commit sexual violence:  While the stats most often quoted show extremely low numbers of female predation, the reality differs. Quite often the same act committed by a female as by a male is counted separately or not included in official tabulations at all depending on the statistical model.  These models, with all of their obvious built-in bias, are then parroted around as if they are apples to apples comparisons of male and female predation.  As such biases and outright distortions are often used to eliminate them from from data sets or intentionally isolate such data in lesser or hidden categories, we have no real idea of just how many female predators exist today.  For those who believe this myth, perhaps it will be eye-opening to realize that you are reading an article written by a man who was drugged and raped by a woman.  We exist and it is time for those truly interested in confronting sexual violence to stop promoting this ugly myth.

Why did you wait so long to report?:  When I first told my story online, I was asked repeatedly why I waited so long to disclose and told breathlessly that it meant I was obviously lying.  Those asking such questions, believed it to be some unassailable “gotcha”.  When pressed to justify how that invalidated a person’s claims of victimization, they predictably could not defend the concept.  Lack of logic and an inability to explain the relevance of their myth seems to matter none to those bent on victim-blaming and rape denial.  Many survivors wait decades to confront their traumas as they were not ready at the time, had no support or lacked the ability to confront it.  We all heal on our own timeframes.  You can’t put a deadline on healing and expect it to occur magically.

You must be in it for the money:  This ugliness was used against survivors of clergy abuse as well as against some women who named high profile men as their attackers.  Were it not for the hard work of SNAP and other organizations who have kept pushing against predators of the cloth, this type of victim-blaming would stilll be occurring regularly to male survivors.

A New Perspective

Whenever the topic of sexual violence arises, it seldom takes long for the victim blaming, second guessing and concern trolls to show their wildly transparent hands.  What a person who has not been confronted with trauma feels they would do in response to sexual violence is hardly evidence of anything other than their own arrogant ignorance.  It is time to reject the excuses, “I wouldas” and apologia.  Along with that, we need to scrap this insidious new meme that male survivors of sexual violence do not get victim-blamed.  For those of us who have been on the receiving end, the truth is something else entirely.  This is not a case of “What About Teh Menz” or whatever other sexist expression comes to mind, but an appeal to people to behave in a humane manner and refrain from further promotion of rape myths regarding male survivors.

Stop it.  Stop it now.

Additional Links on Victim-Blaming and Sexual Violence:

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31 comments

  5. SlutWalk is gender-inclusive. While we recognize that women are disproportionately affected by sexual violence, it’s important to examine and acknowledge the very particular set of challenges and barriers faced by male victims of sexual violence.
    “Whenever the topic of sexual violence arises, it seldom takes long for the victim blaming, second guessing and concern trolls to show their wildly transparent hands. What a person who has not been confronted with trauma feels they would do in response to sexual violence is hardly evidence of anything other than their own arrogant ignorance. It is time to reject the excuses, “I wouldas” and apologia. Along with that, we need to scrap this insidious new meme that male survivors of sexual violence do not get victim-blamed.”

    Join the conversation here: https://www.facebook.com/SlutWalkToronto/posts/216572215122431

    Friday, April 27, 2012 10:53 AM

    Reply

    1. Thanks for sharing this article. It was difficult to write as I’ve been directly confronted by most of these myths since I disclosed. Some of them have been thrown in my face by people I had expected to know better.

      Wednesday, May 2, 2012 10:24 AM

      Reply

  6. SlutWalk is gender-inclusive. While we recognize that women are disproportionately affected by sexual violence, it’s important to examine and acknowledge the very particular set of challenges and barriers faced by male victims of sexual violence.

    “Whenever the topic of sexual violence arises, it seldom takes long for the victim blaming, second guessing and concern trolls to show their wildly transparent hands. What a person who has not been confronted with trauma feels they would do in response to sexual violence is hardly evidence of anything other than their own arrogant ignorance. It is time to reject the excuses, “I wouldas” and apologia. Along with that, we need to scrap this insidious new meme that male survivors of sexual violence do not get victim-blamed.”

    Join the conversation here: https://www.facebook.com/SlutWalk/posts/159819327479925

    Friday, April 27, 2012 10:54 AM

    Reply

    1. In the US Senate, 31 Republican men voted against ratifying the Violence Against Women Act and all 5 Repulican women voted for it. So yes, violence IS a gender issue. Inclusiveness if fine, all survivors deserve support and services, but there is NO question that globally women are by FAR, at greater risk.

      Friday, April 27, 2012 12:10 PM

      Reply

      1. Thanks for sharing this article. It was difficult to write as I’ve been directly confronted by most of these myths since I disclosed. Some of them have been thrown in my face by people I had expected to know better. As an aside, it is disgusting to see Ryn Hodez immediately go to “women have it worse” on one of the few threads about male survivors here. Obviously, she is utterly clueless on how to be an actual ally. HINT: you don’t hijack and derail and condescend toward other survivors. That is ugly and repugnant behavior.

        Wednesday, May 2, 2012 10:22 AM

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  7. I think this needs to be heard! I’m a woman-led business who supports both men AND women rape survivors. Men need to have a voice & valid stories too. Guys, you’ve got my support, stay strong & let yourself be heard x Thank you SlutWalk for your fabulous Gender-inclusiveness, we’re in this together x

    Friday, April 27, 2012 10:58 AM

    Reply

  10. I’m so lucky I read this. First, because I can share it with my friends to educate and illuminate; second, because I got to discover Plume Storytellers. 🙂

    Friday, April 27, 2012 11:18 AM

    Reply

  12. I’ve been there, but luckily it hasn’t had the emotional impact on me that it has in other cases. I went out one night and ended up getting wasted, so much so I suspect I might have been drugged, and apparently, according to my housemates, invited this group of girls who were from out of town and looking for somewhere to crash back to ours. When I woke up the next day they had gone, and my friends were taking the mickey saying I’d slept with her, but I didn’t believe them for two reasons, first because I seriously doubted I was in any fit state to actually physically do anything, but also I honestly didn’t believe that anyone would take advantage of someone in that state. It was only when a few days later I woke up with an (Thankfully treatable.) sti that I realised they were telling the truth. I didn’t report it because at that time (This was 1999.) it didn’t even occur to me that it was rape, and also I didn’t think the police would take it seriously. I wish I had though because hid knows how many men she knowingly infected, and potentially with something much more serious than what she gave me. This is why I’m such a supporter of this page. Not only because I fully support a womans right to dress however she wants, but also because it is imperative that if anything happens to her, god forbid, people need to understand that she didn’t invite it to happen just because she went out dressed in a way that made HER feel good, and not for scum to say she deserved it because she “Was asking for it dressed like that.”. Keep up the great work!! Not all us guys are ignorant Neanderthals!!XxX

    Friday, April 27, 2012 11:23 AM

    Reply

    2. ^ that, and if you defend yourself with a weapon you had on you anticipating an attack you can still get charged with assault. Unless, of course, you live in Florida and you shoot a child.

      Friday, April 27, 2012 11:49 AM

      Reply

      1. As I said Virginia, it didn’t really have that much if an emotional effect on me. If I’d thought about it more at the time maybe it would have, but I just got treated, then chalked it up as a lesson learned. The only real emotional impact it had was the stress of having to wait six months before going back to get tested for hiv. It’s not something I’m ashamed of because I didn’t do anything wrong. The real people with courage are the ones who come forward despite fearing they’ll be shamed and blamed. They’re the ones who need our support. And Bobby, not a good idea!! I’m waiting to go to court for possession of a bladed weapon!! The irony is that I didn’t have it for self defence, it was in a waterproof jacket I use for climbing/camping/walking etc along with a number of other basic safety items. So piece of advice for you ladies who want to defend yourselves without getting arrested. Hairspray, not pepper spray. It’s legal, and does a LOT more damage!! Also, a tin of food or two in a carrier bag swung hard at an attackers head while screaming will make him think twice. If you’re wearing high heels and are attacked from behind, stamping hard on his foot exerts a force of several tons of pressure per square inch, and will not only probably break his foot, but may penetrate too. And finally, as a last resort, grab, squeeze, twist, pull. NO man is going to want to rape you after that, and certainly won’t be able to run after you!! If anyone else wants any more hints and tips just send me a private message.XxX

        Friday, April 27, 2012 11:49 AM

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        1. I think now would be a good time to point out that weapons are often used against the person who carries them. It could actually be very dangerous to carry them.

          Friday, April 27, 2012 4:26 PM

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        2. One more thing to keep in mind, Bobby, is that many people are not allowed to have weapons at work. I worked in a 24-hour place and walked, often at night, to get there. I carried pepper spray (because, frankly, I’m not getting raped for $8/hour), but if my boss had found out, I would have been fired immediately. I am completely in favor of everyone carrying some sort of defensive weapon, but we need to make that a possibility before we tell people that they have to do it. If you feel that we should carry weapons to protect ourselves, the first step is making sure we’re allowed to carry them with us in the first place.

          Friday, April 27, 2012 8:04 PM

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      2. The simplest and best piece if advice I can give though is to take self defence ir martial arts training. And not just once. Referring to something Raine said earlier, just knowing the theory if how to do something isn’t enough, it needs to be a reflex action, which means training till you can do it without thinking. If you are considering taking up a martial art, go for something that concentrates on holds, throws, and restraints, such as as Ju/Nin Jitsu, or Aikido, rather than something based on kicks and punches. When I was training for the army our self defence instructor was a 5′ nothing female. And yet she would regularly reduce 6′ plus men virtually to tears with the simplest of techniques that allowed her to restrain or incapacitate them almost indefinately. It can be done, you just need to know how to do it without thinking.XxX

        Friday, April 27, 2012 12:12 PM

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      3. Nat, you’re making ths assumption that I’m giving out advice because I think like all the people that this page is trying to educate. I know there are those that can’t defend themselves, I was one of them. I’m giving advice so that those who can empower themselves are better able to. In the majority of cases, men who rape don’t do it for the sex, they do it for the power. Sex is just the easiest way to do that. If a women can reduce that feeling of power by standing up to their attacker and reducing their dominance they stand a better chance of getting out of the situation unharmed. I know not everybody is able to, but until rape and sexual assault/harassment is recognised universally as being unacceptable, if I can help just one person get themselves out of that situation, I will give advice unashamedly. And if I can help just one person then I will be happy to have done my part.XxX

        Friday, April 27, 2012 1:20 PM

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      4. Ok, sorry. I just took it that that I was being misunderstood. I apologise for getting a bit het up, it’s just that I’ve seen too many friends assaulted and it’s something that I get emotional about.XxX

        Friday, April 27, 2012 1:35 PM

        Reply

  15. Yet more evidence of the harms of the patriarchy. Not only do men often feel as though they can’t report their victimization because of the stereotypes of machismo, but when they do, it is 100x harder to get help!

    Friday, April 27, 2012 1:59 PM

    Reply

    1. Thanks for sharing this article. It was difficult to write as I’ve been directly confronted by most of these myths since I disclosed. Some of them have been thrown in my face by people I had expected to know better.

      Wednesday, May 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

      Reply

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