Blixa Scott, writing for The Good Men Project on "Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?"
In Tuesday’s piece on the double standard regarding adultery, Tom Matlack asks, "When was the last time a woman got dragged through the mud for cheating?"
I offer a slightly different question: When was the last time a woman was exposed for cheating—and the story wasn’t crafted around a narrative of love?
It’s true that the conspicuous distinction between Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, and Jesse James on the one hand and Elizabeth Gilbert, Tori Spelling, and LeAnn Rimes on the other is that the former are all men and the latter are all women. But a more significant distinction is that the adulterers in the first group all sought extra-marital sex, seemingly, for its own sake. But the adulterers in the second group were all portrayed as having fallen in love. In fact, in all of the examples Tom provided of infamous female adulterers, the women ended up leaving their husbands to form serious relationships with the other men.
This is an interesting article/thread and one that hits home for me. Twenty years ago, when I was still single, I was involved in a series of one-night stands with women I didn’t know. At least a half dozen were married women who initiated the sexual activities. All of them had, of course, never done this sort of thing before. (yawn). I never sought them out, they just seemed to "happen". In some cases, the women were fairly aggressive and made it clear that they wanted sex and nothing else.
At the time, I was in a phase of sexual grieving which took the form of subconsciously trying to take back power through promiscuity following a drug-induced rape I experienced at the hands of a female acquaintance. Fortunately, that phase did end before anything tragic occurred, but I took some really stupid chances back then with women I didn’t know. During that period, I seldom sought out sex partners but I never said no to those who approached me. It was as if it were just understood that I was not going to say no. I am not basing this on the ugly stereotype that all men want sex at all times from whoever is offering. Rather, I think I was transmitting "yes" nonverbally, if that makes sense.
In the moment, I didn’t see it, but in retrospect it was very dangerous for a variety of reasons. Obviously, sexually transmitted diseases were a threat. Then, there was the possibility of angry husbands finding out and getting violent, among other things. Further, I didn’t know these women and had absolutely no reason to trust them. They could have easily lied and made all kinds of claims if discovered. Fortunately, I did not have to confront such a situation.
Interestingly enough, the response I’ve received since becoming a sexual violence speaker has been completely lacking in criticism for the married women who slept with me back then. I have been asked several times if I forgave myself, but strangely enough no one seems to have anything negative to say about the women who cheated on their husbands with me.
Relevant Links:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-do-we-forgive-adulterous-women/