From time to time, rape survivors are confronted by callous or unintentionally invalidating remarks by friends, family, colleagues, fellow survivors or random strangers. Sometimes input has been solicited and is in response to disclosures by the survivor. Just as often, the invalidating words come from people who lack the self-control and maturity to keep their mouths shut if they just cannot muster the compassion to be understanding or supportive. While we all make mistakes and sometimes unintentionally say things that hurt, there are others who go out of their way to hurt survivors.
Below, I've supplied a short list of some invalidating comments that I've been treated to over the years since I began to work on my own healing:
From a random female survivor: "At some point you must have wanted it."
Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so ingrained? Apparently so.
A frequent comment from well-meaning friends and acquaintances: "You need to get over it" and "That still bothers you?"
Yeah, it works just like that. It is just like stubbing your toe. You just get over it – like magic. Kindly never say something that naive and ridiculous again. Thank you.
From another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."
UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for you to understand you fucking clueless wonder????
Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that bitch's ass." And on and on in standard tough guy voice.
Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input nor do you have anything intelligent to impart.
From yet another invalidating female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."
Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" anymore than I would insist upon hearing from the man who raped you, lest I invalidate your pain.
I'm gonna stop here as I am beginning to become triggered and very angry. This vent felt good though and I've resolved to do it more often. However, I would like to thank those secondary survivors who help us to heal and make sure you know that your sacrifice and commitment does not go unnoticed. So, thank you.
For secondary survivors (supporters) and other survivors interested, some resources are supplied below on how to support the survivor in your life. Being a supporter is hard work and can be extremely stressful at times, so be sure to explore the resources on how to self-care as well.
Relevant Links:
Pandora's Project: For Friends, Family & Partners of Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivors
http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html
Resurrection After Rape: A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman who's been Raped
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-%20mens%20guide.pdf
Resurrection After Rape: A Parent's Guide to Helping a Daughter who's been Raped
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-parents%20guide.pdf
Resurrection After Rape: Things NOT to say to a Survivor
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Things%20Not%20to%20Say%20to%20a%20Survivor.pdf
MaleSurvivor: Suggestions for Partners
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/Oprah.comSuggestionsforPartners.doc
*Starts clapping* Well Done my friend!!!
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 11:09 am
outstanding.
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 7:50 am
thanks, James. you’ve spoken for many of us. And the resources you cite are golden.
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 9:07 am
Thanks for putting in words the thoughts that swirl around my mind.
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 9:41 am
People often don’t realize how hurtful the things that they say are.
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 10:40 am
I don’t agree. While, some people will indeed resist altering their behaviour regardless of the hurt they cause, others are capable of changing how they act.
Also, I wasn’t advocating that survivors walk around wounded all time. Not even close. However, people do have a right to take offense at deliberately hurtful comments, especially when such come frequently from the same source(s). Shaking it off and letting it roll of your back is one approach. Pointing out the behaviour is yet another. I vented a little last night and that worked for me. You choose forgiveness. I’d think that is going to be a one size fits all approach though, especially when you take into consideration close family members or spouses who are frequently making hurtful remarks toward a survivor.
It is an incredibly long stretch from being offended in the moment to living one’s life as the walking wounded. As far as forgiveness goes, that is an individual philosophy that not everyone subscribes to consistently. The rules of forgiveness for you may differ incredibly when compared to my own take on the subject.
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 12:28 pm
But, you’re not going to change people – they will continue to be insensitive with what rolls off their tongues. Best to just recognize that everyone has their moments of saying the wrong thing. Much better to offer forgiveness than to carry an offense against them and walk around wounded all the time. Part of the ills of society today. Too many people carry their woundedness on their sleeves. That isn’t too say they aren’t wounded – there is just a better way to deal with that woundedness through forgiveness….
Sun 12/5/2010 12:00 PM
One thing to remember with regard to sexual violence survivors is that the damage is to more than the body. Trust gets shattered, self sovereignty is fractured and emotionally they become far more vulnerable than before. Intentionally hurtful comments – especially from those close to a survivor – can carry more weight with someone who may be at their most vulnerable emotionally than at any other time in their lives. There are people who make a sport out of triggering or hurting survivors as a result.
Sunday, December 5, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Thank you James.
Saturday, December 11, 2010 at 2:18 am