A Fallacy of Choices

Yesterday (Saturday), I had my weekly therapy appointment to deal with the mental ghosts that haunt my brain since the memories of my repressed rape returned last summer.  We went a little lighter this week as last week was very difficult and I slept for several hours afterward.  This time, I took about a three hour nap due to the emotional exhaustion that such therapy can cause.  I had no idea that thinking and talking about an old, neglected trauma I feel on a regular basis could be so physically draining.  This week we worked on acceptance of the rape as being beyond my control.  We talked for a while before we worked on the EMDR portion.

For the last week, I've been thinking hard about the rape and my own coping thoughts.  For a long time, I've thought that I was faced with a decision between continuing to be raped or hurting my pregnant rapist.  To be more specific, I've thought the choice existed once I woke up from the effects of the drink she had spiked at the club.  While I was unconscious, there was no choice as she had already been raping me.  I've labored under the misconception that the choice began when I woke up.  Yesterday, I was struck by an epiphany with regard to my previously perceived choices.

I did not choose between being raped or hurting her.  I chose not to hurt her.  That was my only decision.  She chose to rape me.  Why was it so hard to connect those dots?  Why did I not get it?  I only made one decision – not to inflict harm.  The rest of the decisions were made by the woman who decided to hurt me.

Over the summer, I had spoken with a close friend about the rape.  She cried and later told me that she was proud of me.  She said that she loved me even more knowing that I would not hurt a pregnant woman, regardless of how much she harmed me.  As much as I know she is right about my decision not to harm my rapist in my own defense, it is hard for me to feel anything but ashamed for being raped by a woman I could have easily overpowered.  I'm getting over it daily, sometimes a day at a time, sometimes an hour, and on bad days – minute by minute.

My therapist told me I should be proud of myself and that I have made great progress by realizing this simple fact.  I wish I could feel proud right now but I'm still a little raw and I've been ignoring my emotions since I left her office yesterday morning.

I'm just tired of beating myself up over someone else's choices.  It is on days like these that disgusting vermin who shame rape survivors or deny that rape is traumatic (and yes they exist, just ask me) find easy prey among rape, sexual abuse and sexual assault survivors.

Posted at:

• http://remodel4life.blogspot.com/2009/01/fallacy-of-choices.html
• https://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3345/79/