As I've begun to unravel the tight ball of emotions related to my rape, I've been given a lot of advice, some good and some bad. Most of it is well-meaning, but not necessarily helpful. Below, I've listed a few of the most insensitive and/or clueless tidbits of advice. If you have said this to me, please understand that I'm not angry with you, nor am I trying to criticize you personally. This is posted in the hopes that someone else will learn from it when supporting a survivor in the future:
"There are people in the world who are worse off."
Yes there are, and? This is a nice way of saying "stop whining, it could have been worse." I've heard this one a few times myself. Processing the emotions related to a traumatic event is not necessarily made easier by comparing your situation to that of another person. Such my pain vs. your pain comparisons may even result in increasing the already unbearable guilt and shame on the part of the individual rape survivor, especially when compared to someone who was tortured or maimed. The survivor may also be made to feel like they should abandon their healing and go back to stuffing their emotions away until they erupt like a powderkeg ignited, lest they feel guilty for having natural, emotional repsonses to trauma. This is not helpful in the slightest. Please stop saying this to us.
"You need to put it behind you."
No kidding. By talking about it, venting it, analyzing it and releasing it, that is exactly what I am trying to do now. I didn't stub my toe, get in a fender-bender, or lose 5 grand gambling in Las Vegas. I was raped. It is not as easy to "put it behind" me as it might seem to a non-survivor. When someone says "put it behind you" what is really conveyed to me is their desire that I "shut up and deal." Sorry, but silence and denial is not dealing. I tried 17 years of silence. It didn't work. Healing is not as simple as "put it behind you." It is an ongoing process. Please, don't ask me to "put it behind me." I'll do that on my own and when I'm ready.
"Just think about what she must have gone through in her life to be able to do such a thing to you."
"You're internalizing and buying into the victim culture."
The person saying this is completely clueless and believes that rape is not a traumatic experience. They may have even committed a rape in the past. This is not a person to be trusted. I don't recommend spending any time trying to educate such a person as they've already made up their mind that rape is not a big deal. They don't get it and don't want to get it – and they may be dangerous.
Please, feel free to add more to the comments below and at remodel4life. I'd like to see this list get longer, more in-depth and republished as a collaborative effort with other survivors.
This entry also posted at Re-model 4 Life: http://remodel4life.blogspot.com/2008/07/things-this-rape-survivor-could-do.html