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Welcome to the Official Website of James Landrith
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Blog, Commentary and Articles -
Rape, Sexual Assault and Abuse
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Written by James Landrith
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Monday, 17 June 2013 |
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I have taken it on the chin several times for speaking out and publicly telling my story. I've had to remind myself that there are a lot of silent survivors who feel validated and less alone when they see another survivor speak out loudly. I’ve heard from men who’ve been raped. I’ve heard from their wives, girlfriends, mothers and friends. I’ve heard from women raped by other women. I’ve listened to their stories, shared their traumas and appreciated their compassion. I’ve made many new friends and lost a few along the way. I've been called a liar, told "men can't be raped", "women would never rape", been lectured that "erections can't be forced", that “I should have fought back” and outright harassed and targeted by rape apologists and victim-blamers of all gender identification and ideological leaning. Please don’t bother to tell me that “so and so is not a true X” and such. Too many of their peers are quite willing to look the other way when they act atrociously. I’m done with excuses, apologia and disavowals. Purge your scumbags and distance yourself from them profoundly or you own them. I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m done with all of that. I know the landscape too well at this point. No ideology is free of victim-blaming, shaming and minimizations toward rape survivors. Even rape survivors gang up on other rape survivors on the basis of gender, type of rape, whether they reported or not, ideology or whatever arbitrary thing happens to be what they wish to use at a given moment. I've outlasted the scumbags. They tend to give up when I refuse to slink away in shame. I've been attacked harder in 2012 than in recent years, but I am still here. They are nowhere to be found with regard to actually helping survivors. Those who talk big on the internet are never at a Take Back the Night march, they aren’t on Capitol Hill, they don’t get late night texts from survivors in crisis, they’ve never listened patiently while someone screamed and cried and sobbed inconsolably. I have never noticed them in a policy planning meeting on sexual violence issues. They talk big on the internet. That’s it. They aren’t even useful idiots. I am not attached to any ideological or political movement. No one owns me and I work with anyone who is doing something to help. I have allowed a wide variety of people, publications and organizations to share my story with their constituencies as a public service. I will continue to do that so long as I believe it can be of assistance to other survivors. Whatever label you think you can apply to me speaks far more about you than it does me. This month, it will be five years since I decided to face up to what happened to me and say the words: "I was raped." My world was turned upside down and I could not have expected the emotional and media storm that going public would heap upon my head. My story has been published in multiple publications and mentioned in dozens of blogs. I’ve been interviewed for print, internet and live media. The Empowerment Theatre adapted my story for use in a stage production on sexual violence, a video interview has become part of the awesome Precious Porter stage presentation “Love Should Not Hurt” and modern romance author Susan Mac Nicol used my story as research for the rape of her protagonist in the novel “Cassandra By Starlight.” I’ve been a moderator at one of the largest survivor forums on the internet, became a member of RAINN’s Speakers Bureau and got involved in policy through the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance. I am now working with fellow survivors on Military Sexual Trauma policy and advocacy. There is always more to do. There are never enough hands.
I’ve had HORRIBLE days when I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear forever. I’ve wanted to put my fist through a wall on other days. I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve been inconsolable. I’ve lost my cool. I've dissociated and shut down.
I’ve had WONDERFUL days when I heard from a survivor who felt less alone. I’ve seen them flourish and begin to heal. I’ve made incredible friendships. I’ve been privileged to hear many people’s stories for the first time. I’ve learned a great deal along the way. I’ve paid a huge price for speaking out and I caution that it is NOT for everyone. If you do feel you are ready, I’ve prepared a few observations and tips below. I would suggest before speaking out that you make sure you've set aside some time to deal with your emotions. Often, you will feel horrible. Give yourself permission to feel that way and understand that other survivors who speak out have often felt the same. You are telling your story to new people. You are exposing yourself to a much larger group of "insiders." People will know you have been raped. They may even know how it happened. That is hard to shoulder. My story has been in print, on the internet and covered by podcast and video for MILLIONS to have read or seen over five years. I still get a panic attack after I disclose to a new audience. I’ve just accepted that as part of the process. It is much easier that way. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever read the comments on stories about your rape. EVER. Got it? It will be triggering, humiliating and demoralizing. There are monsters in the comments. They are nameless, faceless, cowardly monsters who take sport in hurting people far braver than they could ever be on their best day. Don't validate them by giving them even a second of your life. You are not talking to them. They aren't listening to you. You are talking to the silent survivor fighting back tears on the other end of the monitor. You are teaching a parent, educator, family member, secondary survivor and bystander about yet another facet of the survivor experience. You are speaking to those who are listening and ready to hear your truth. It is not your responsibility to engage with the dregs of the internet. They don’t actually care about you. They have nothing of worth to offer. Understand why you want to speak, before you start booking events. If you don’t know what you intend to get out of speaking, you should spend some time figuring that out first. Your experience will not be healing for you and could be detrimental if you go into it lightly. Pick your subject matter carefully and stay on topic. Don’t try to cover everything in one presentation. I change my content to fit the organization, event and audience. Try not to read your presentation like a script. Learn your content in advance and practice. It will sound more natural and your audience will notice. Expect that many people will want to speak with you after the event or in between speakers. They may honor you by sharing their own story for the first time with anyone. Someone may tell you that your remarks gave them the strength to break the silence. Be prepared for that. You WILL change someone’s life for the better. You may hear from a person months or even YEARS after an interview or speech. For that person, what you said is new and vital and life-saving. Recognize how much courage it took that person to contact you. You don’t owe them anything, but you just might save their life. Whether you choose to tell your story publicly or keep your story private is entirely your choice. If you are gonna do it, then go into it with your eyes wide open. Understand that the world is will not always welcome you with loving arms. Many people don’t want to know you even exist, let alone even listen to you respectfully. This is a hard responsibility to take on as a survivor. You may want or need to say To Hell With This on occasion when it gets to be too much. Do that. Take care of yourself. You own this process. Don’t feel ashamed of getting overwhelmed. Rape is overwhelming. PTSD is overwhelming. Victim-blaming and shaming are overwhelming. Speaking out opens up a lot of emotions and exposes your wounds to strangers. That is unbelievably brave and such important work. You need to take care of yourself first though. You won’t help anyone else if you are in crisis yourself. It has been a strange and intense five year journey for me. For those of you who were with me along the way, I thank you. Many people were incredibly supportive and continue to show me that humanity is not dominated by the monsters and the heartless cynics. There are more good people than I could have ever imagined. Thank you all. I don’t know what the next five years will bring, but I am no longer afraid. I own this process. I own my future. Anyone who doesn't like it should feel free to proceed to the nearest exit. |
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Last Updated ( Monday, 17 June 2013 )
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Advocacy and Letters -
Advocacy and Comment Letters
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Written by Coalition
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Friday, 03 May 2013 |
May 3, 2013
Dear Member of Congress:
We, the undersigned organizations, representing thousands of businesses and millions of Americans from all sides of the political spectrum, write to express our desire for greater accountability in the electronic employment verification (E-Verify) provisions of the Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act (Title III of S. 744). We believe that a simple reform is needed to protect small businesses and their legal employees.
Our concern is that the system could create unnecessary burdens on Americans by initially failing to confirm hundreds of thousands of authorized workers. If the present E-Verify error rate (0.26%) was applied nationally, it would fail to approve 156,000 authorized employees every year.
As E-Verify’s rollout expands from just 7.5 percent of employers to 100 percent, it is vital to us that the error rate remains at least this low. Errors thrust employers into a state of regulatory uncertainty as to whether their new hire will be able to work or not. Many small employers lack the full time human resource staffs necessary to help workers correct these problems, and they will often incur significant costs attempting to do so.
Errors also burden legal workers, forcing them to spend time and money sorting out the errors at federal offices. These errors will disproportionately impact authorized foreign-born workers and naturalized citizens, who are at least 20 times as likely to receive an error as a native born American, according to E-Verify’s most recent independent audit. Based on this number, one recent study found that foreign-born workers would receive 82 percent of all errors. This could create an incentive for discrimination against foreign-born workers. It also places an undue burden on the Social Security Administration, impacting seniors and those with disabilities who rely on a timely response from SSA.
Basic accountability can protect both workers and employers. We propose that Congress require that E-Verify’s error rate remain at or below its current level before small businesses are forced to comply with the mandate. This gives the government over four years to work out any issues with the system, and Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Janet Napolitano has already testified that she believes that the current rate can be maintained.
Requiring the government to consider the impact on small businesses and foreign-born workers before E-Verify implementation is just simple accountability. It will protect businesses from the bureaucratic limbo that comes from not knowing if a new hire will be able to work, and it will give authorized employees the confidence that their transition to a new job will not be subject to costly and unnecessary delays.
For these reasons, we urge you to support this commonsense reform.
Sincerely,
Advocacy for Principled Action in Government
American Civil Liberties Union
American Immigration Lawyers Association
American Library Association
American Policy Center
Arizona Employers for Immigration Reform (AZEIR)
Arizona Small Business Association
Campaign for Community Change
CALEGISLATION
CAMBIO
CASA In Action
Center for Digital Democracy
Center for Financial Privacy and Human Rights
Competitive Enterprise Institute
Consumer Action
Council of Smaller Enterprises
Electronic Frontier Foundation
Illinois Coalition for Immigrant and Refugee Rights
The Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights
Liberty Coalition
The Multiracial Activist
National Center for Transgender Equality
National Council of La Raza (NCLR)
National Consumers League
National Immigrant Justice Center
National Immigration Forum
National Immigration Law Center
National Small Business Association
OneAmerica
The Rutherford Institute
Patient Privacy Rights
Privacy Activism
Privacy Journal
Privacy Rights Clearinghouse
Privacy Times
Rights Working Group
SEIU
Small Business & Entrepreneurship Council
Small Business Association of Michigan
Small Business California
Small Business Majority
Taxpayers Protection Alliance
UFCW International Union
World Privacy Forum |
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Last Updated ( Monday, 06 May 2013 )
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Blog, Commentary and Articles -
Rape, Sexual Assault and Abuse
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Written by James Landrith
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Sunday, 14 April 2013 |
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Author Alyson Miers had this to say about the young man from Toronto, who was gang-raped and victim-blamed: It’s not often that we hear about a case of a guy being raped by a woman (or several women), and with attitudes like these, is it any wonder that male rape victims are generally not interested in reporting their assaults? A male victim of female assailants can expect to be told that there’s no such thing as female-on-male rape (because men are always open to sex, donchaknow), that he’s probably gay and therefore should be ashamed (because it would be okay for those women to force themselves on a straight guy?), that the important thing is not that he didn’t consent but that the women were fat (because it would be impossible for him not to consent if the women were skinny?), that he’s reporting the rape to cover up that he cheated on his partner (because women can never be aggressors and men can never be victims), and that he should be embarrassed about this happening to him and should not bother anyone with his complaints.
I thank Alyson for writing about this topic and doing so with compassion for the survivor. Like the young man from Toronto, I was raped by a woman. I know all about the ridiculous gender policing that keeps male survivors silent and ashamed. I spoke out publicly and paid a huge price for it. I'm still going through hell on that front. You spoke mountains of truth above. I've heard them all: erections = consent, men can't be raped, women don't rape, no "real" man would complain, etc.
There are a lot of evil, disgusting people in this world. In some ways, I hate the victim-blamers worse than the woman who raped me. At least she only got to hurt me for about 18 hours before growing tired of me. The victim-blamers keep coming back for more. Ugh. I really shouldn't have to say it, but given how many people are quick to mock and vilify male survivors who speak out, I wanted to highlight a woman who showed compassion and didn't use the experiences of male survivors to score political points or try to show that female survivors have it worse. Thank you Alyson, you are a decent human being and I appreciate that you took the time to speak out for male survivors. |
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Last Updated ( Sunday, 14 April 2013 )
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Blog, Commentary and Articles -
Rape, Sexual Assault and Abuse
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Written by James Landrith
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Tuesday, 09 April 2013 |
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I'm furious right now. I'm a bit too angry to write as coherently as I'd prefer. You know I've been through hell since publicly disclosing my rape. You know I have little tolerance for "advocates" who tell us that male survivors don't matter, trivialize our struggles and mock us for speaking out. Everytime some conservative asshat says something idiotic or hateful about female survivors, "advocates" try to play the "men don't get victim-blamed" trump card. Now, another man who went public is being treated like garbage while "allies" are still saying we don't get victim-blamed.
I was written about at PajamasMedia and then subjected to HUNDREDS of hateful, mocking comments by knuckle-draggers assholes and women who think they are qualifed to say erections = consent. Then several bloggers joined in. I was able to elict a few apologies, but most laughed it off as no big deal. THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:
Then I went on the HuffPostLive. The hosts treated me with dignity and respect. The viewers were fucking savages.
THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT: Then, an advice blogger told me I was a liar, mocked me and laughed openly about my rape. She's a real specimen of humanity. I don't care how many times she apologizes. It will never be enough. What she said was inexcusable. THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:
Then, the fucking demons at The Lesbian Mafia mocked me, lied about my experience, promoted a ton of rape myths and overall left me triggered and in panic attacks for over a month. They still have a gigantic following and I've yet to see the "men don't get victim-blamed" advocates take them to task.
THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:
Now, a young man (about my age when I was raped) reported his rape to the police. Twitter, Reddit and Facebook users responded with mockery, disbelief and outright jokes. People are still saying male rape survivors don't get victim-blamed.
THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:
This is how Rosie DiManno decided to respond - with mockery, jokes and outright humiliation of the male rape survivor.
"They could be sex molls or sex maulers."
Or Rosie could have called them rapists instead of trying to be cutesy. "Of course, one man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy come true."
Yeah, cuz appealing to the knuckle-draggers sells papers, right Rosie? "Sexual assault, you say? Lucky guy others say, nudge-nudge, a fivesome and didn’t even have to pay for it."
Yeah, I'm sure this man feels "lucky". I 'm so happy you are around to put it all into perspective for male rape survivors. The Star should be very proud. Pardon me while I vomit yesterday's, tomorrow's and next week's lunches.
THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:
The next time you screw up your mouth to arrogantly proclaim that male survivors don't get victim-blamed, just think for a second. It isn't true. It doesn't look identical and it isn't about clothing (as if that was the full sphere of victim-blaming for ANY survivor), but it exists just the same. If you are promoting this myth, you are 100% part of the problem.
It is time for a lot of people to look in the mirror.
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 09 April 2013 )
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Blog, Commentary and Articles -
Rape, Sexual Assault and Abuse
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Written by James Landrith
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Monday, 25 March 2013 |
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Once again, there has been a rape case involving football. This time it was a young woman in Steubenville, Ohio. Predicatably, there has been sympathy for the young men who raped her. She has been bullied, vilified, called a liar, a whore and treated horribly by her neighbors, strangers and people who should have been protecting her. Oh yeah, victim-blamed too. That is always present. Why does that always have to be present? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is for Jane Doe. This is because you are not alone. This is because the world owes you an apology. You've been humiliated. You've been exposed to the world without your consent in a traumatic way. You were violated. You were hurt. You were victimized. You were blamed for what happened to you. You consumed alcohol and that was used against you by both your rapists and adults who should be protecting you. You must feel hated and devalued as a human being not only for the rape, but for how many of the people who have known you for years have treated you since it happened.
The thing to remember is that you aren't to blame. Yes, you consumed alcohol underage. Yes, you were drunk. That doesn't mean you lose your right to self-sovereignty. That doesn't mean that entitled athletes get to do whatever they want to you. That doesn't mean that rape should be inevitable. When I was raped, alcohol was involved. The person who raped me while unconscious actually bought my drinks because I was underage. Like you, I've been told it was my fault for drinking. Like you, I've been told that I must have wanted it.
You were victimized but you aren't a victim. You changed that when you fought back. You are a survivor now. There is nothing they can do to fix what they did. They took control of you for a night. That's all they get. You are in control of your future. You get to decide where you go from here.
You will repeatedly encounter toxic people in your daily life who don't understand. It is entirely your decision how to respond. If the news reports are to be believed, you have plenty of that around you now already. You can educate, you can ignore, or you can cut them out like the cancerous growths they represent. The choice is entirely yours to make. No one is entitled to your time or your justifications. You will understand this by about the 1,000th time you confront such a situation. Proceed how you wish and don't feel like you have to apologize for any decisions you make in that regard. Your mental health and peace of mind are more important than their opinions or feelings. They don't get to decide that for you. No one gets to decide that for you. You can get angry. You will get angry. You have that right. You don't have to explain it to anyone. You don't have to justify it. It isn't anyone else's business why you are angry. You don't have to forgive either. If you eventually do, it should be on your terms and because you decided. Your anger is yours to express. Your forgiveness is only for you to decide upon. No one else gets to decide that for you. Period.
You can cry. You will cry. At this point, you've probably already cried buckets. Sadly, that won't be the last you cry. It may happen often for the next few years. You may find yourself several years down the road and it will hit you again. Give yourself permission to feel those emotions when you feel the need. Occasionally, you have to clean them out. That doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. It has been 20 years for me. I still have to tend to my emotional health this way too.
People will remember what happened to you for a long time. They may look at you strangely or make unkind remarks. That is a heavy burden to carry. It may feel overwhelming at times. To a 16 year old, it must feel crushing. I spoke out publicly about what happened to me in print and video. I've regretted it at times. People know what happened to me. A whole lot of people know what happened to me. I got mercilessly victim-blamed for it. It hurts in a way I cannot possibly describe. I understand how that feels. I know some of what you feel now. I know what you will feel going forward. You have the right to feel those emotions. You have the right to believe it is unfair. You have the right to be inconsolable. You have the right to feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay to want it to go away. It is okay to reach out for help when you need it. Regardless of what the less enlightened may believe, you've done nothing wrong. People get very brave on the internet about what they say when they don't have to face a person in real life or use their real name. Please remember that. Their courage is really an extreme cowardice. It is a weak mind who hides behind their keyboard, striking out at people who are far braver than they could ever be in their best moments. In the end, they are inconsequential. I know it doesn't seem that way now. Eventually, you'll understand what I mean. For now, please understand that you are not alone.
You can do this. You can heal. You can have a happy and productive life. You can go to college. You can have a career. You can fall in love. You can have children, if that is your choice. You can be or do anything. You really can.
Rape happened to you. Rape doesn't define you. You get to define you. This and every moment going forward are yours to own.
Please remember that you are not alone. There are millions of women and men who understand how you feel. We don't know you personally, but we do understand you. NOTE TO READERS: I have intentionally left out links. If readers want to look at such victim-blaming garbage, they'll have to search for it. I'm done reading any more of it. |
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Last Updated ( Monday, 25 March 2013 )
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