Author Alyson Miers had this to say about the young man from Toronto, who was gang-raped and victim-blamed:

It’s not often that we hear about a case of a guy being raped by a woman (or several women), and with attitudes like these, is it any wonder that male rape victims are generally not interested in reporting their assaults? A male victim of female assailants can expect to be told that there’s no such thing as female-on-male rape (because men are always open to sex, donchaknow), that he’s probably gay and therefore should be ashamed (because it would be okay for those women to force themselves on a straight guy?), that the important thing is not that he didn’t consent but that the women were fat (because it would be impossible for him not to consent if the women were skinny?), that he’s reporting the rape to cover up that he cheated on his partner (because women can never be aggressors and men can never be victims), and that he should be embarrassed about this happening to him and should not bother anyone with his complaints.

I thank Alyson for writing about this topic and doing so with compassion for the survivor.  Like the young man from Toronto, I was raped by a woman.  I know all about the ridiculous gender policing that keeps male survivors silent and ashamed.  I spoke out publicly and paid a huge price for it.  I'm still going through hell on that front.  You spoke mountains of truth above.  I've heard them all:  erections = consent, men can't be raped, women don't rape, no "real" man would complain, etc.

There are a lot of evil, disgusting people in this world.  In some ways, I hate the victim-blamers worse than the woman who raped me.  At least she only got to hurt me for about 18 hours before growing tired of me.  The victim-blamers keep coming back for more.  Ugh.

I really shouldn't have to say it, but given how many people are quick to mock and vilify male survivors who speak out, I wanted to highlight a woman who showed compassion and didn't use the experiences of male survivors to score political points or try to show that female survivors have it worse. 

Thank you Alyson, you are a decent human being and I appreciate that you took the time to speak out for male survivors.

I'm furious right now.  I'm a bit too angry to write as coherently as I'd prefer.  You know I've been through hell since publicly disclosing my rape.  You know I have little tolerance for "advocates" who tell us that male survivors don't matter, trivialize our struggles and mock us for speaking out.  Everytime some conservative asshat says something idiotic or hateful about female survivors, "advocates" try to play the "men don't get victim-blamed" trump card.

Now, another man who went public is being treated like garbage while "allies" are still saying we don't get victim-blamed.

I was written about at PajamasMedia and then subjected to HUNDREDS of hateful, mocking comments by knuckle-draggers assholes and women who think they are qualifed to say erections = consent.  Then several bloggers joined in.  I was able to elict a few apologies, but most laughed it off as no big deal. 

THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:

• http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3149/79/
• http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3152/79/

Then I went on the HuffPostLive.  The hosts treated me with dignity and respect.  The viewers were fucking savages.

THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:

• http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3913/79/

Then, an advice blogger told me I was a liar, mocked me and laughed openly about my rape.  She's a real specimen of humanity.  I don't care how many times she apologizes.  It will never be enough.  What she said was inexcusable. 

THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:

• http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3912/79/
• http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3915/79/

Then, the fucking demons at The Lesbian Mafia mocked me, lied about my experience, promoted a ton of rape myths and overall left me triggered and in panic attacks for over a month.  They still have a gigantic following and I've yet to see the "men don't get victim-blamed" advocates take them to task. 

THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:

• http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3921/79/

Now, a young man (about my age when I was raped) reported his rape to the police.  Twitter, Reddit and Facebook users responded with mockery, disbelief and outright jokes.  People are still saying male rape survivors don't get victim-blamed. 

THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:

• http://womenspost.ca/articles/socialnetworking/50-most-disgusting-responses-torontos...

This is how Rosie DiManno decided to respond - with mockery, jokes and outright humiliation of the male rape survivor.

"They could be sex molls or sex maulers."

Or Rosie could have called them rapists instead of trying to be cutesy.

"Of course, one man’s sexual assault is another man’s sexual fantasy come true."

Yeah, cuz appealing to the knuckle-draggers sells papers, right Rosie?

 

"Sexual assault, you say? Lucky guy others say, nudge-nudge, a fivesome and didn’t even have to pay for it."

 

Yeah, I'm sure this man feels "lucky".  I 'm so happy you are around to put it all into perspective for male rape survivors.  The Star should be very proud.  Pardon me while I vomit yesterday's, tomorrow's and next week's lunches.

THIS IS WHY MALE SURVIVORS STAY SILENT:

• http://www.thestar.com/news/city_hall/2013/04/09/sexual_assault_case_involving...

The next time you screw up your mouth to arrogantly proclaim that male survivors don't get victim-blamed, just think for a second.  It isn't true.  It doesn't look identical and it isn't about clothing (as if that was the full sphere of victim-blaming for ANY survivor), but it exists just the same.  If you are promoting this myth, you are 100% part of the problem.

It is time for a lot of people to look in the mirror.

Once again, there has been a rape case involving football.  This time it was a young woman in Steubenville, Ohio.  Predicatably, there has been sympathy for the young men who raped her.  She has been bullied, vilified, called a liar, a whore and treated horribly by her neighbors, strangers and people who should have been protecting her.

Oh yeah, victim-blamed too.  That is always present.  Why does that always have to be present?

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This is for Jane Doe.  This is because you are not alone.  This is because the world owes you an apology.

You've been humiliated.  You've been exposed to the world without your consent in a traumatic way.  You were violated.  You were hurt.  You were victimized.  You were blamed for what happened to you.  You consumed alcohol and that was used against you by both your rapists and adults who should be protecting you.  You must feel hated and devalued as a human being not only for the rape, but for how many of the people who have known you for years have treated you since it happened.

The thing to remember is that you aren't to blame.  Yes, you consumed alcohol underage.  Yes, you were drunk.  That doesn't mean you lose your right to self-sovereignty.  That doesn't mean that entitled athletes get to do whatever they want to you.  That doesn't mean that rape should be inevitable.  When I was raped, alcohol was involved.  The person who raped me while unconscious actually bought my drinks because I was underage.  Like you, I've been told it was my fault for drinking.  Like you, I've been told that I must have wanted it.

You were victimized but you aren't a victim.  You changed that when you fought back.  You are a survivor now.  There is nothing they can do to fix what they did.  They took control of you for a night.  That's all they get.  You are in control of your future.  You get to decide where you go from here.

You will repeatedly encounter toxic people in your daily life who don't understand. It is entirely your decision how to respond.  If the news reports are to be believed, you have plenty of that around you now already.  You can educate, you can ignore, or you can cut them out like the cancerous growths they represent.  The choice is entirely yours to make.  No one is entitled to your time or your justifications.  You will understand this by about the 1,000th time you confront such a situation.  Proceed how you wish and don't feel like you have to apologize for any decisions you make in that regard.  Your mental health and peace of mind are more important than their opinions or feelings.  They don't get to decide that for you.  No one gets to decide that for you.

You can get angry.  You will get angry.  You have that right.  You don't have to explain it to anyone.  You don't have to justify it.  It isn't anyone else's business why you are angry.  You don't have to forgive either.  If you eventually do, it should be on your terms and because you decided.  Your anger is yours to express.  Your forgiveness is only for you to decide upon.  No one else gets to decide that for you.  Period.

You can cry.  You will cry.  At this point, you've probably already cried buckets.  Sadly, that won't be the last you cry.  It may happen often for the next few years.  You may find yourself several years down the road and it will hit you again.  Give yourself permission to feel those emotions when you feel the need.  Occasionally, you have to clean them out.  That doesn't make you weak.  It makes you human.  It has been 20 years for me.  I still have to tend to my emotional health this way too.

People will remember what happened to you for a long time.  They may look at you strangely or make unkind remarks.  That is a heavy burden to carry.  It may feel overwhelming at times.  To a 16 year old, it must feel crushing.  I spoke out publicly about what happened to me in print and video.  I've regretted it at times.  People know what happened to me.  A whole lot of people know what happened to me.  I got mercilessly victim-blamed for it.  It hurts in a way I cannot possibly describe.  I understand how that feels.  I know some of what you feel now.  I know what you will feel going forward.  You have the right to feel those emotions.  You have the right to believe it is unfair.  You have the right to be inconsolable.  You have the right to feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it.

It is okay to feel overwhelmed.  It is okay to want it to go away.  It is okay to reach out for help when you need it.  Regardless of what the less enlightened may believe, you've done nothing wrong.  People get very brave on the internet about what they say when they don't have to face a person in real life or use their real name.  Please remember that.  Their courage is really an extreme cowardice.  It is a weak mind who hides behind their keyboard, striking out at people who are far braver than they could ever be in their best moments.  In the end, they are inconsequential.  I know it doesn't seem that way now.  Eventually, you'll understand what I mean.  For now, please understand that you are not alone.

You can do this.  You can heal.  You can have a happy and productive life.  You can go to college.  You can have a career.  You can fall in love.  You can have children, if that is your choice.  You can be or do anything.  You really can.

Rape happened to you.  Rape doesn't define you.  You get to define you.  This and every moment going forward are yours to own.

Please remember that you are not alone.  There are millions of women and men who understand how you feel.  We don't know you personally, but we do understand you.

NOTE TO READERS:  I have intentionally left out links.  If readers want to look at such victim-blaming garbage, they'll have to search for it.  I'm done reading any more of it.