I’ve Got the T-Shirt and the Trauma Response to Go With It

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I’ve Got the T-Shirt and the Trauma Response to Go With It

Originally published at The Good Men Project

As a vocal male survivor, when I’m not talking about sexual violence in writing or before audiences, I’m reading about it in many contexts and sources. A great deal of what I see on a daily basis is directed at men with the assumption that we know nothing about sexual violence or have no experiences that parallel those of female survivors.

Those making such arguments are often NOT sexual violence survivors themselves. Encountering such memes can be quite painful when you are a rape survivor yourself. The problem is not that female survivors receive the majority of the attention when sexual violence is discussed. The problem is that when sexual violence is discussed with regard to male survivors, there is often resistance, condescension, and outright mockery by people who quite often have not experienced such violence themselves. For those who have lived through abuse at the hands of women, that can be doubly wounding.

I’ve lived through sexual violence. I have my own story and my own experiences. I have my own triggers and my own issues. I don’t need to be educated. I don’t need to be taught what to do or not do. I don’t need any proven statistical bias to legitimize my life or my experiences. I lived it.

♦◊♦

Background

Approximately twenty years ago I met a friend at a club in Jacksonville, North Carolina. He came with a female friend. During the night, he disappeared leaving his friend by herself and without a ride. As she was pregnant and without a ride, I agreed to take her home when I left. She had not been out in a while and wanted to stay until the club closed that night. While she was not drinking, she bought me a few thank you drinks for agreeing to drive her home.

After a few drinks, I became very tired and disoriented. I never drank until I got drunk, especially when driving and off base. I didn’t like the feeling and it wasn’t secure off base. I just figured I was tired and had too much without realizing it. There was a motel next to the club. She suggested we get a room and sleep it off, then I could drive her home in the morning. I agreed as I was rapidly losing the ability to think or see straight.  She got us a room with double beds and we split the cost.

I vaguely remember laying down with my clothes still on. I probably took off my shirt per the norm, but I left my pants on. I did not feel comfortable taking my pants off around this strange woman. She warned me that she did not want to have sex and I remember saying that I was seeing someone and was not at all interested in that either. I laid down on my side of the room and was out almost immediately.

At some point in the night, I awoke to find her on top of me. I said something I cannot remember and she coaxed me back to sleep. I doubt very much that she could even understand what I was saying, given how disoriented I felt at that time.

The next morning, after the sun had risen, I woke again feeling confused and unsure of where I was or what had transpired since getting off work on Friday afternoon. My pants were nowhere to be seen, my underwear also missing and my penis was erect. I realized that she was on top of me, grinding and moaning. I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t fucking her. I didn’t want to fuck her. Who was she again? I moved as my legs were stiff and sore from being in the same position for hours with her on top of me.

She darted her eyes at me and told me not to move. I was ordered “don’t be forceful.” She then asked if I was trying to rape her when I could not remain perfectly still and again told me not to move. In addition, I was told that I could hurt the baby if I tried to stop it. After she finally finished, I was still expected to drive her home.

In short, I was drugged, raped, threatened and had a baby used against me as a human shield. To say that experience left me messed up would be an understatement.

Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. I was under 21, drinking illegally in a club, while on active duty with a local, pregnant civilian. Why didn’t I report it? Read this paragraph again and think about it harder if it eludes your grasp.

♦◊♦

The Reaction

How did I react? I buried it deep and pretended it didn’t happen, which is a common reaction for male survivors. That did not mean that it had no effect on me. I simply pretended it didn’t happen. I called it a bad night and said she was a little twisted.

As one therapist would later tell me, denial of trauma does not mean it isn’t affecting you. I believe she said that if unacknowledged, the effects would “come out sideways” and in a manner that may not be easily identifiable. For me, that was a sudden and ridiculous promiscuity that did not exist before the rape. I began to act out sexually by sleeping with any woman who offered. I turned down no one, to include several much older, married women. I did not seek out sex, I simply said yes every time.

To say that I was reckless then would be accurate. I was risking exposure to disease and potential violence from angry husbands and boyfriends. I did this for about three years before getting married and further stuffing the memories down further. Further, I lost nearly all trust in women – especially aggressive and loud women.

Nearly twenty years later, I decided to confront it. The time had come to do something about it. I sought out assistance and began to see a therapist. I spent a lot of time on me, thinking, analyzing and progressing. It was painful, but necessary work. I’m not done with it. I don’t know that I’ll ever be truly done.

While in therapy, it was as if the bandage had been ripped off suddenly and the wounds were newly raw. I had panic attacks, crying fits, sudden anger and loss of time. I felt exposed all the time, everywhere.

I had trouble being alone with a woman in a confined space like an office or elevator. Some days, I didn’t even want to stand next to a woman in line for a cup of coffee. Remember the controversy in the feminist blogosphere over strange men talking to women in an elevator? Reverse the sexes and I lived it. For me, the issue wasn’t hypothetical or used to demonstrate which gender has it worse with regard to potential sexual violence. It was based on an actual trauma response. The back and forth over why men should expect to be viewed as rapists by women in elevators took on a whole new level of offensive when viewed through the lens of my own experience.

I felt guilty all the time. I still feel guilty quite often. I feel guilty because I don’t trust women I don’t know. I feel guilty because I sometimes view women, particularly loud and aggressive white women, as potential threats to my well-being and mental health. I feel guilty because for a long time, I couldn’t look at a pregnant woman without seeing that sick woman from so many years ago.

I still struggle with some of these issues today, but not as often and not always in such intensity as before.  Presently, I have returned to my prior human resources career. This field is dominated by women and has proved a big test for me.

The biggest test is sometimes just getting through the day without losing it. Some days I pass without issue, on other days I just have to give myself a hall pass so I can get on with my life.

James Landrith is a rape survivor, public speaker, internationally syndicated blogger, civil liberties activist and the notorious editor and publisher of The Multiracial Activist (ISSN: 1552-3446) and The Abolitionist Examiner (ISSN: 1552-2881). Landrith can be reached by email at: james@jameslandrith.com or at his personal website/blog.

NOTE: Comments below have been imported from multiple, now deleted, social media postings by the author.

 

45 comments

  3. This really challenged me, and I am so glad you wrote about it. I will never view male rape in the same way again. You are really brave.

    Wednesday, January 18, 2012 10:09 AM

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  6. James, thank you very much for sharing your story. We hate that you had to go through such an awful experience, but are proud of your work standing up against sexual violence and victim-blaming which, as you know, cuts across all demographic variables. Stay strong and welcome to the SW Lubbock community! 🙂

    Sunday, January 29, 2012 1:05 PM

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  7. Thanks for sharing this, James. I actually read that article when it was originally posted on GMP, and think it’s important to include dialogue about male survivors as well, which is something we’ve sought to do since the beginning of our SlutWalk journey last year.

    That being said, I would caution my readership here that while the Good Men Project started out with admirable intentions and has some amazing and valuable content, please read it with your filters on high. There has been some horrifying stuff alongside the gems from this site, and in recent months some of it has seemed more and more like thinly veiled misogyny.

    I don’t mind saying to you, James, that as the author of this piece you were way out of line when you attacked the commenters who expressed confusion over your angry reaction to women fearing for their safety in potentially ambiguous situations, especially since you expressed the same fear.

    ~Becca

    Monday, January 30, 2012 12:37 AM

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Becca. However, your interpretation of the comments on my piece is not fully accurate and seems to be co-signing the trivializations and gender-based willful misinterpretations made by proven trolls and rape apologists. That is not acceptable and not something that an advocate for survivors should be supporting. As a leader, you have set a bad example by tone-policing a survivor’s response to trolling and victim-shaming. You ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE THAT RIGHT.

      The man who participated against me was there solely for the purpose of trolling and some really horrible comments were deleted before the female mods banned him. One of the other female commenters is someone who had claimed elsewhere that male survivors having a voice hurts female survivors by stealing audience share, as if it is a zero-sum game. She was not there for any reason other than to try to invalidate. She has been admonished elsewhere for attempting to silence in mixed-gender survivor groups. As far as the other commenter goes, she did not ask simple questions, she completely distorted my point and attacked me in the form of thinly veiled questions. Even some female survivors called her out on it. Also, my comments in that piece were not about women having the same fear that I outlined as a person with PTSD, but the manner I which some people have used it to make sexist generalizations and as a weapon to shame male survivors into silence. I and several other commenters, to include female survivors, explained that at length.

      Monday, January 30, 2012 5:59 AM

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  10. I think in male sexual abuse, there is a particularly acute form of victim blaming where people will not even acknowledge the fact that a woman is capable of raping. Or that the victim did not “enjoy” the experience. It’s quite terrible and absolutely needs to stop.

    Saturday, February 11, 2012 2:38 AM

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    1. Find me proof of what you just said. Find me ONE official post by SlutWalk Bangalore that says this is only about women and not all gender inclusive. i challenge you.

      Saturday, February 11, 2012 3:18 AM

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    2. Chandrapal, listen you dweeb…the people really work hard and are well intentioned. If you are going to bring your lop-sided frustrations and agenda over here just to make accusations and pick arguments with people who genuinely care for all kinds of victim abuse, and spew out invalidated jibes like “hateful sexist”…shove one up, and find yourself a hate group…if you want to contribute in an inclusive sense you’re more than welcome…

      Saturday, February 11, 2012 3:29 AM

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    3. Mr. Chandrapal, only if you care to read, you will find that the movement is about opposing victim blaming- irrespective of gender. As far as recognition of male rape- both female on male or male on male -is concerned, it is an anamoly in the IPC which should be rectified at the earliest. The Law Commission’s 172nd report on review of rape laws published in 2000 recommends the same.

      Time and again, members of Slutwalk Bangalore have expressed views in support of the same. As such either your diatribe is misdirected owing to your ignorance or you are simply frustrated. Also, I would not rule out the possibility of yours being a fake profile like many others. And as Dhillan put it, in case you want to make a constructive contribution, you are more than welcome.

      Saturday, February 11, 2012 4:38 AM

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    4. Chandrapal- have the courtesy to read what protiti said before launching a scathing verbal puke-a-thon. In case you’re still wondering, she empathises with male victims as much as she would a female victim. That’s what Slutwalk Bangalore has always been about.

      Saturday, February 11, 2012 9:24 AM

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  14. Like a Lie Detector Test (Polygraph Test), there is an urgent need to develop “brain monitoring” techniques which are currently at an experimental stage. Once such a procedure is perfected, and implemented as a judicial tool, it should expose MANY people and relieve all those who have been falsely accused of crimes, not just related to sexual abuse/assault/violence, but overall.

    Friday, March 16, 2012 at 8:25 am

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  17. I think as more men find the courage to start their healing, we will find that this is not as rare as stats lead us to believe. Men are really dealt some shitty cards in this culture. We teach them to squelch their emotions and suck it up and be a man. We teach them their self worth is based on what they do for a living and how much they make. Both sexes like to play the “who has is worse game” but in the end, both genders have so many cultural lemons they have to deal with. It would be so cool if we could find a way to embrace each other as human beings and start having loving dialogues of acceptance and compassion with one another.

    Monday, December 2, 2013 6:23 AM

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  18. Wow, not that I didn’t think it happened, it taught me how these things happen and how it affects men, a whole lot of compassion goes out to him because as he shares his story, it allows others the courage to share theirs. I love your site, it helps me understand my husband and men better, thanks

    Monday, December 2, 2013 6:45 AM

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  19. I can see how much of a horrible experience that was. The only way I could ever conceive a woman doing that to a man is through drugging. I think it’s mostly written off by society.

    Monday, December 2, 2013 8:54 AM

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  26. What a horrible story. I am always surprised when I hear about people being drugged but it comes up all too frequently. Good on you for taking the steps to process and move forward with your life. All the best.

    Wednesday, June 4, 2014 at 6:50 am

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  30. All rapes are foul and the one you suffered no less vile. That you are speaking out and raising awareness that this can happen to men is just fantastic. I am in awe of your bravery in confronting what happened and sharing your painful journey. You have certainly helped others. I wish you peace.

    Wednesday, June 4, 2014 at 1:38 pm

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  31. I understand the issue of rape, but in his case as a man my only question on this issue is: he claims to be drugged and jumped. So how is he hard? I know that as a man when I am not into the deal, we don’t get hard!!! If you are fearful or worse being raped, then definitely no erection. Now if someone is disputing this then that means every guy who sees a woman that is semi decent must be walking with erections. Also if we even say that she gave him the blue or yellow pill then that is 4 hours and according to him this went for hours and hours!!! Last but not least, I hope that the readers understand that this guy sounds like he is writing a porn movie!!

    Wednesday, June 4, 2014 at 3:48 pm

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  32. ‘I lost nearly all trust in women ~ especially aggressive and loud women’ ~ there is a term, untrustworthy, some quite literally are not worthy of your trust

    Reply
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  36. So sorry you had to endure this, and I’ve been there too many years ago. That of which happened when I was barely 18, and a (semi) legal adult in the process. It was when two women I worked with, while didn’t exactly rape, held me down, and then sexually assaulted me in the parking lot after the night was over. I never once thought in a million years anything like that could happen to me, and how often does a guy have to endure an attack from a women, which you literally never see coming until it actually happens?

    I screamed for help, not knowing what they’d do to me next, and they stopped when I did, while others thankfully came to my aid, to help comfort me. I was wondering what the hell happened, and just someway, somehow, hoping I was just having this horrible nightmare that I would shortly, but never did wake up from. I was in tears the entire night, and felt so sick, to the point where I really thought I was going to throw up, and didn’t know what to do, especially with knowing I’d see them again the next day. They then wrote me an apology letter which they prepared for me after what they did, and bought me a gift card to EB Games (or Electronics Boutique, whatever that place was called then), which helped, even if I knew I’d never have any way of truly shaking, or escaping what was done to me. It also didn’t help when a friend of theirs threatened to do the same to me at one point two years later, whether if she was just joking, or being serious about it, when I nearly spoiled a movie plot to her, which freaked me out.

    No matter what they, and others did to help comfort me after the trauma, and P.T.S.D. I went through, it was as if all of my innocence was lost that fateful night, and knew my life would never be the same again. Just seeing rape scenes in movies and what not began to bother me like I never thought it could when they’d trigger painful flashbacks, and I would also hardly let myself go out in public without somebody else there to accompany me. One of the biggest joys in my life which was girls looking at, and casually approaching me when I went places from that point on was forever robbed, that would suddenly scare me like I never once imagined, with not knowing what their true intent was. That and with how I’d never be able to live it down if anything like that were to occur to me once again. I’d kind of almost laugh inside, and brush it off when someone would mention how girls could indeed rape, or merely sexually assault boys beforehand, when it was impossible to happen from my (and many others) point of view. Little did I know I’d soon be a victim of that myself, and how that notion was indeed no laughing matter, and truly possible to anyone, including me in the end after all.

    Reply

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