Things I learned from Christian Conservatives Today

Four clowns cooking over a fire - one drinks a bottle, one stirs a pot, two are play fighting in the background. [front]

 

So, I’d like to introduce a new and irregular series for your reading pleasure (or sadness, whichever): “Things I learned from Christian Conservatives Today”

1 – Donald Trump will win the election because basically only good, white people vote and they all love Trump. He is like the new Jesus and stuff. Apparently a true story and like, all backed up by Christianist scientificals and the American Flag (TM).

2 – All non-white people within the borders of the U.S. are basically ignorant, and could care less about politics and the problems apparently facing all of the good white people of America.

3 – Latinos apparently are too busy living 100% in inner cities, caring less about anything but collecting free money from the government. I would ask for a citation for this one, but I didn’t want to get accused of being a traitor. I guess I just have to accept it on face value. Oddly enough though, my neighbor is from Honduras and neither of us live in the “inner city.” Hmm. I guess I need to learn better about geography and cities.

4 – Only a “businessman” is qualified to be THE GRAND POTUS OF ALL OF US, because super-secret Bible reasons. (Shhh, it is super secret.)

So, that is it. Apparently Trump already won. Some deity or other decided it and why we are voting at all is a mystery.

Don’t you all feel better now that you know the truth? I’m so glad that I listened this time. I know I was purt durn scarified the last time they said that Obama was a-comin’ with them guns and tanks to put us in FEMA camps. Such horror we narrowly avoided that time, yes sir we surely did.

They couldn’t be wrong about all of this, could they? I mean, that would be bearing like false witness and stuff. Good, wholesome, non-racist Christian conservatives who know for sure from on high that white people are the only voters who matter and know stuff about stuff and aren’t living off welfare their entire lives wouldn’t lie to me – AGAIN?

Would they?

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